I will learn to breathe this loneliness you see
by Jinxgirl
Summary: Stuck together in a Saturday detention, Santana and Rachel are the only survivors of a tragedy. Drawn together through their shared trauma, their psychological need for each other becomes more. Eventual Pezberry and Pucktanaberry. Cowritten with astarpotential
1. Chapter 1

Author notes: Another one based off a roleplay, cowritten with starpotentialberry. Redo of season two. I wrote Santana parts, she wrote Rachel.

Santana can still hardly believe that she actually has to attend Saturday detention, like a total loser. This was a scene straight out of The Breakfast Club, and she had scoffed at that movie the first time she saw it. If she ends up getting stuck with a bunch of ragtag losers of Lima who all just want to share their inner pain and become bestest friends in the way the Glee club seemed to love so much, Santana was going to make herself sick over the sap of it. She knew the typical Saturday morning detention crowd- losers in the likes of Rick the Stick, the particularly aggressive football players, the Skanks, and the wannabe Goth crowd. Not a single one of them whom she even wanted to look at, let alone have to sit with for an entire Saturday she could have been sleeping or shopping or making out with someone during or SOMETHING.

It was her junior freaking year. She was sixteen years old and it seemed completely unfair for them to begrudge her having a sense of humor and just doing what everyone else would have done if it even occurred to them. Plenty of kids got in fights, did drugs, and the Slushies were a daily occurrence- hell, Santana herself had never gotten in trouble for fighting or slushying people before, and now she was getting in trouble over a stupid PRANK?!

Okay, it wasn't strictly nice to paint a bunch of tampons and hang them up in Emily's locker after her little incident of having her tampon fall out from the top of the cheer pyramid and roll across the floor. Maybe between Sue's yelling and the cheerleaders and football players going hysterical over it, until Emily was hyperventilating and in tears, that wasn't exactly nice. But when had Santana ever played nice deliberately with anything? If you were going to be that much of a loser, you deserved all the mocking you could get. And she was popular, and a cheerleader. It was her job to mock. Emily needed to toughen up if she wanted to be a cheerleader or she'd make all the rest of them look bad.

Fine, she may have gotten a lot of paint on the locker and on Emily's textbooks, which technically was considered vandalism. But still, how lame was it that she actually had to pay for it with her time instead of her dad's money?

Santana entered the classroom with an extreme lack of enthusiasm, her steps practically a shuffle, eyes narrowed, face darkened into a scowl as she scoped out the other kids present. Throwing herself into a seat towards the back, she slouched down, one hand propping up her chin. There were several skanks and football players, as she had predicted, and Tyler Phillips, a kid who always wore black metal t-shirts, had been reprimanded several times for wearing plugs in his ears and not taking out facial piercings, and always seemed to be writing in a notebook. She rarely heard him speak, but all the kids claimed he was some kind of Satanist or something, sacrificing babies and killing cows or something. She didn't care if it was true or not, it was a good thing to spread around and laugh about, at any rate.

But the weird thing was that Rachel Berry was there too. Santana half smirked at her, eyebrows raised. What the hell was Miss Goody Goody doing in detention? Accidentally hit someone in the eye by waving her hand too enthusiastically to volunteer an answer?

This was going to be one extremely long afternoon.

88

Detention was something Rachel Berry had never envisioned for herself, she was a straight A student, the top in all of her classes and never missed a single day of school unless she absolutely had to for some unavoidable reason. Yet there she was, walking through the quiet halls of McKinley on a Saturday morning with her head hung low and her shoulder uncharacteristically slumped. It was a far reach from the usual confidence she walked around with and it certainly wasn't how she had intended for things to go.

Perhaps she was in the wrong for punching JBI in the face and accidentally breaking his nose but he had been invading her personal space and asking to see her bra and threatening to spread awful rumors unless she gave him a pair of her panties. One day he just happened to push a little too far and her self defense classes came into good use when he got a little too creepy. His parents had understood her reasons and JBI himself had been shocked that the so called Glee freak was actually willing to stand up for herself. Normally she wasn't a violent person but she was beyond done with everything JBI had been doing but standing up for herself had somehow landed her in detention and had both of her dads a little disappointed even though they were well aware of everything that had been going on.

Walking into the room she saw the usual crowd and struggled to hold back the sigh that was threatening to escape. Taking a seat in the back she grabbed out a book she had been reading and decided if she was going to be stuck inside all day she might as well finish off her book so she had more free time when she was at home to continue on planning things for Glee Club. Although she was pleasantly surprised when she saw none other than Santana Lopez walk through the door. She wasn't sure if the rumors were true but she had heard about the locker incident although Santana's presence in detention told her that they were indeed very true.

When she sat down beside her she fought the urge to roll her eyes dramatically and instead looked over at her for a moment only to see that she was as bored as Rachel herself was. "What a way to waste a Saturday." She mumbled, she wasn't happy to be there and more than anything she wanted to go back home and head out to the mall where she was planning to pick up some things that she hadn't had time to go and get just yet.

Santana rolled her eyes back at Rachel, echoing her sigh. "You don't think I'm gonna sit here and shoot the breeze with you, do you?" she muttered.

Figured she'd be stuck next to Berry, who would probably try to make her the bestest friend ever, sing to her under her breath, lecture her on Glee related things, or pass notes. If Rachel was badass enough to break the quiet rule to do any of that.

Santana's eyes glazed over as she paid no attention to the detention monitor's bored announcement of the rules, and she started to doodle on her notebook paper, writing her name in cursive. She realized she was writing Brittany's too and quickly erased, glancing to see if Rachel had seen. She is paying no attention when she hears raised voices and looks up. Tyler Phillips is looking at the monitor with his jaw set, his eyes narrowed almost shut, and something about his posture looks aggressive. When she listens up, interested, the monitor is repeating something to him about taking out his facial piercings for the day. Santana rolls her eyes, but doesn't return to her slump. Something in Tyler's eyes tells her things are about to spark.

"God knows, I have better things to do." She said with a sigh.

The last thing that she wanted was to spend the day sitting beside Santana and being talked to all about the Cheerios and how amazing Sue Sylvester was. Everything was just as boring as she expected it to be and all she wanted was to go back home or go out and do something far more interesting than listening to the annoying sighs and tapping of pencils against desks.

Before she knew it the atmosphere in the room had shifted, Santana seemed a little more tense from the glance she caught out of the corner of her eye. Hearing the exchange up the front of the room she stiffened and kept a close eye on Tyler, something was off and his hand slipped down into his pocket. That was when it started, her heart sank and she felt like she was frozen as she watched him pull a gun out on the monitor, she wanted to scream but she could barely move from her spot. Seconds felt like hours after the first shot rang loudly.

No way. No way, holy shit no, she did not just see that. It was a water gun or something, or a toy…a Halloween costume, right? Right?

No one brought a gun to school. Not in Lima, Ohio. Not even a weirdo like Tyler Phillips. No one.

Santana can feel her heart start to race, and she goes perfectly still, her eyes darting between Tyler, the gun in his hand, and the monitor at the front of the classroom. The man too has frozen, and now he's talking to Tyler, his voice shaking slightly, as he tells him to calm down, to put down the gun. But Tyler is standing in a slow, lazy manner, gun held out as he points it at several people in turn. First the monitor, then a skank, then a football player.

Santana doesn't move. She doesn't realize at first she is whispering unconsciously a prayer under her breath, a Hail Mary- years of church with her abuela coming to her without even realizing it. When the gun is pointed at her, she stops breathing, only starting again when it is pointed at the football player two rows up.

But Robert Jenkins isn't about to take this. With a curse, he lunges forward at Tyler, seeming intent on tackling him, taking the gun away- only to stop, jerking, a few feet from him. The noise of the shot doesn't at first connect to Santana. It isn't until she sees the blood start to blossom across Robert's chest and the sudden blankness in his eyes before he falls that she understands what just happened.

He's been shot. He's been shot, and as she watches him twitch, a horrible choking noise escaping his throat from where he lay over the desk, she knew. He was dying. He had been shot, and he was dying, right in front of her. And as she watched, unable to think clearly enough then to reach for her phone or even to run yet, she saw him turn to the monitor, take aim, and pull the trigger again.

Everything was happening in slow motion for Rachel, her heart was pounding loudly in her ears and fear was running through her to the point that tears were falling down her cheeks without her even realizing it. She saw it all happen, she saw Robert Jenkins take the bullet and heard every little noise coming from him as he died in front of her eyes.

Then the monitor was on the ground crying out in pain and before anyone could react the gun was pointed in her direction and suddenly her entire life was flashing before her eyes. Tyler shifted his aim from her to the guy behind her and without thinking about it she reached out and grabbed Santana's hand tightly in her own.

"Come on." She whispered when Tyler was preoccupied with the skank at the front of the room. She knew they needed to get out and it was now or never.

Tugging on Santana's hand she pulled the stunned girl out of her seat and ran out of the room as quietly as possible. They had one chance and that chance was going to last all of thirty seconds. Pulling Santana with her she ran down the hall and heard the door open behind them. She didn't say a thing and ducked into the nearest Janitor's closet blocking the door with everything she could as her heart raced and tears continued falling down her cheeks.

Santana barely was aware of Rachel grabbing her hand, and not until the girl squeezed to the point of pain did she register what Rachel was trying to do. She squeezed back, feeling her knuckles pop, and stumbled, nearly falling as her adrenaline took over and carried her out the door and down the hall. She can hear shots firing, kids screaming, and as they get into the janitor's closet, she helps Rachel numbly, piling boxes and buckets and squeezing with her into the very back corner. She can hear a clicking noise and panics until she realizes it's her own teeth chattering, that she is shivering so badly she cannot stop. She doesn't realize that she is crying until she feels her nose running down to her lip, doesn't realize that she is still whispering a Hail Mary the best she can until she understands a few words of her own barely audible voice, shaking through her chattering teeth. She wipes at her nose with the back of her hand, taking several gulping breaths, and then her arms are winding around Rachel Berry on instinct, pulling Rachel into the corner with her, as tightly as she can manage to squeeze them both, holding her hard. She doesn't care then that it's Rachel Berry and they're supposed to dislike each other. She doesn't care about anything except the fact that she's terrified, that she doesn't want to die, and she wants to be holding onto someone real and alive, someone she knows, if she's about to.

Rachel was shaking with the fear and the adrenaline running through her system, everything felt so surreal and like it was all a bad dream. That kind of stuff just didn't happen in Lima, it didn't. It wasn't meant to yet it had. With everything barricading them in her panic rises, small spaces had never been something she liked but she knew it was where they were the safest in that moment. Then Santana was holding her and she was holding her back just as tightly, crying into the girls shoulder and praying as hard as she could that they would make it out alive and she would get to see her dads again. In those dark moments she had never been so scared but Santana was there and she could feel her warmth beneath her hands and that was enough to bring her a tiny slice of comfort that she was craving in the darkness. Grabbing out her phone she numbly sent a message to her dads that read 'school, gun, people dead, help.' After sending it off she turned it off and held onto Santana tighter than ever before feeling as though the air surrounding them was suffocating her.

When Rachel pulls away from her, even in the brief period of time it takes to send a text, Santana's heart leaps, and she grabs for her instinctively, not wanting her to pull away, half afraid she's going to try to leave the closet. She clings to Rachel's arm, her nails digging in, but when she sees the girl is just sending a text, she relaxes marginally. Fumbling for her own, she dials 911 even as Rachel wraps back around her, her own nearly hyperventilating breathing making it difficult for her to form words when the calm voice on the other end answers.

For several moments Santana cannot answer when the voice asks for her emergency. She sputters and sobs, digging her nails into Rachel's arm, and starts to panic, thinking that if she can't calm down, the small space they're in will be flooded with carbon dioxide and kill her even before she can be shot. After a few moments she manages to choke out the school's name before hanging up and burying her face in Rachel's shoulder. She knows her own tears and snot are probably soaking the girl's shirt and that Rachel's are probably getting on her as well, but she doesn't care.

"Don't die," she whispers, and it's unclear to her whether she is talking about herself or Rachel. "Please."

With Santana's nails digging into her arm Rachel finds a strange kind of comfort in it, knowing that she's safer there than they were in that classroom. But the second she was holding onto Santana she didn't care about anything, she just cared about them getting out of there alive and not having to go back there and see the bodies as the shots continued ringing throughout the emptied halls, echoing off the walls and vibrating through the air sending shivers down her spine. She hears Santana on the phone but she can't make sense of the words, all she knows is that if she's going to die she won't have spent her last minutes alone and that they tried so hard to protect themselves.

Although Santana's whispered words break through the panicked haze and hit her hard, knocking the air out of her lungs.

"We're not going to die," she whispered in a voice that didn't sound like her own, a voice that sounded timid and frightened beyond belief.

She didn't believe herself at all, in fact she was convinced that Tyler would find them and shoot them too because surely he had seen them running in that general direction.

Rachel's words are hardly convincing. Santana shakes her head, her face still pressed into her collarbone, arms wound around her waist. Every time she hears another shot in the distance, she jumps, biting the insides of her cheeks to keep back a scream. She can hear feet running past her and suspects that Tyler is chasing some of the kids who tried to run. When she hears a shot closer to her than the others, perhaps in the hallway outside the door, new tears stream down her cheeks, and she almost chokes, finally forcing out the words running through her head.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was a bitch to Emily, I'm sorry I was a bitch to you, I'm sorry I was a bitch to everyone, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please stop doing this, please stop, please."

She isn't sure who she's talking to. Tyler? Rachel? God?

When the shots got closer Rachel was trying so hard not to scream and instead let out a sob that she didn't seem to have any control over. Burying her head in Santana's shoulder she held her three times tighter than she had been and cried harder into her shoulder. Everything was hurting and she felt as though she was going to be sick but she had never been so scared before. Then Santana was apologizing and it was breaking her heart.

Before she knew what was happening a shot was fired through the door and she let out a scream until she heard someone being tackled to the ground and told they were under arrest. It was then clear that the emergency services had arrived and they were right outside the door. Fear shot through her and her shaking got worse as they waited, people knew they were in there now but were they really safe?

"Sorry," Santana chokes out, the word wet and broken against Rachel's skin. She can think of no other word right then, and it seems so important, even a matter literally of life and death to get it out. "Sorry sorry sorry sorry-"

When she hears the voices outside the door, she cuts herself off, trying not even to make any noise with her tears as she grips Rachel, barely feeling the girl's hard grasp. Trembling, she holds her, waiting, and when she hears footsteps moving away from them, Tyler's voice cursing, she presses her mouth into Rachel's shoulder to try to keep herself from making any noise. But then there are footsteps approaching them…did he get away? What if he has a friend? What if-

When a light knock sounds at the closet door, she can't help herself. She shrieks out loud, squeezing Rachel so hard the girl must be in pain. She is still screaming when the man's voice breaks through, calm, official, and definitely not Tyler's.

"Hey, hey, are you all right in there? Are you injured? This is Deputy Carlson, and you are safe. Miss? Are you injured?"

"It's okay." Rachel managed to force out through her choked up and broken sobs.

Everything was piling on top of her and she was certain that Santana's tight grip had broken a rib of two but she didn't care, that didn't matter.

What mattered was the two of them being safe and coming out of it all alive. Tyler was still out there, cursing out the officers who arrested him and saying they all deserved to die. That hit her hard because she knew neither her or Santana should have been there that day and that the others certainly didn't deserve that fate.

Her own scream mirrored Santana's purely out of fear and the reaction thinking the worst in that moment she was on the verge of blacking out from it all. Then the voice broke through she held onto Santana a little tighter trying to breathe and find an answer.

"Fine," She managed to choke out just as a paramedic came to stand beside the officer.

_"We need you to open the door,"_ she said calmly.

Rachel just pulled back and looked at Santana before nodding and moving things out of the way carefully never once releasing her hold on Santana and not caring if things fell as she moved them with her foot.

Santana grips Rachel's arm, not having the presence of mind at first to help her. She just wants to maintain her hold, not wanting to break contact for a second. After a few moments she finally starts to help the best she can using only her feet, and when they open the door, she is still holding Rachel, cringing.

The first thing she sees is the officers standing, blocking the door, but rather than comforting her, this scares her further, because she can see the guns in their holsters. Santana gasps, scrambling backward and trying to drag Rachel with her. She can see blood smeared along the floor, someone's body, face down, only a few feet away, and she begins to hyperventilate, tears streaming down her face as her chest hitches, unable to draw sufficient air in. They might be safe now, but she's reached her limit for what she can take in.

Rachel's reaction was no better than Santana's, a shrill scream fell from her lips and she let Santana pull her back into the dark corner. The officers don't move but they do allow a paramedic to come in with a blanket that she wrapped around them.

_"Come on, let me get you out of here,"_ she said softly and even though Rachel wanted to hide with Santana they were encouraged to come out. The paramedic pulled the blanket up so they didn't have to see the guns or the blood and Rachel's grip tightened on Santana as they got out into the open space.

"Don't let go," she whispered.

Only with this encouragment, and the paramedic helping them move forward, blocking them from seeing, could Santana begin to slowly move out of the closet and down the hall. She is still shaking badly, and she closes her eyes, despite the fact that she is being blocked from the worst of the sights. She has absolutely no intention of letting Rachel go.

They inch forward, with Santana only occasionally opening her eyes, and when they are finally guided forward towards an ambulance and assisted into the back, a paramedic wraps blankets around both of them, coming forward to take their vitals and examine their pupils, knowing that they are in shock. Santana doesn't let go of Rachel's hand, and when the paramedic briskly and takes her free hand in his, rubbing in an effort to warm and bring her back out of shock, then briefly does the same to her cheeks, Santana feels tears spill over again.

Sucking a breath in, she remains silent, struggling to process what had just happened. She can vaguely see that there are no other students coming out of the building, that there is no one else being guided towards the ambulances lined up, and it hits her suddenly why this might be.

What if she and Rachel are the only survivors?


	2. Chapter 2

Once they were inside the ambulance Rachel felt like she couldn't breathe, she was gasping for air as her tears fell in a heavy and steady stream down her cheeks. She was in shock and she couldn't break herself out of it. Her heart as racing and all she could was continue to hold onto Santana as if her life depended on it. Before too long her head was spinning and she rested her head on Santana's shoulder as the second paramedic took her vitals and tried to get her to focus on them and focus on her breathing but she couldn't look at them. She was staring them in the eye but not really seeing anything as the realization dawned on her.

They were it, everyone else they had been in that room with was gone and Tyler was no longer a free man. Everything was becoming far too much for Rachel and without a single word she slipped into the blackness that had been threatening to take her for ages now. In her state of unconsciousness she had slumped to the side a little only to be caught by the paramedic and her grip on Santana's hand loosened slightly but in her mind she was seeing and hearing it all over again and looking down the barrel of the gun as it was pointed straight at her.

Santana felt it when Rachel passed out. Her grip on her hand had slackened, her head on her shoulder and her weight against her side was heavier, and it panicked Santana to the point that she could no longer even attempt to control her tears. For several moments, until she saw Rachel's chest moving, she thought she had died too.

Yelping aloud as the girl went limp, Santana shook her, trying to support her, sobbing and choking until a female paramedic had to gently separate her from Rachel and concentrate on Santana alone. Guiding Santana to sit hunched over, head between her knees, she rubbed her back, softly instructing her on how to breathe until Santana could manage a little better on her own. When Santana had finally somewhat caught her breath, the ambulance was now in motion, and she was still crying, now holding Rachel's hand even as she whispered more to herself than to anyone else.

"Please, I want to talk to Brittany, I want to talk to my mami. Please, I want them, please…"

It doesn't occur to her she can take her cell phone and call them herself.

As they get to the hospital and she realizes that it is their intent that she and Rachel be separated to be more closely examined and questioned by police, Santana is set off all over again. Refusing to let go of her hand, she shakes her head vehemently, again crying, setting her feet beside Rachel's stretcher.

"No, no, no…"

Rachel could feel Santana's grip on her hand and a paramedic laying her down making sure she was warm enough as her body fought an internal struggle to get back to consciousness. She was still struggling to breathe and struggling to break through to the surface but it was getting closer and closer. When they reached the hospital and tried to separate them the medical staff all shared a look before Rachel's dads came racing in not caring that they had walked through doors they weren't meant to.

_"_Let them stay together, they need each other right now,_"_ Hiram said as Rachel blinked her eyes a little to try and wake up.

After a few minutes of struggling she opened her eyes and squeezed Santana's hand.

"Stay," she whispered.

She sounded terrified and disorientated but if there was one thing she knew, it was that she couldn't let Santana go now. She needed her even if they later came to realize they hated each other or didn't want to even know one another.

Santana would have had to have been forced to leave. She barely pays attention to Rachel's fathers, gripping Santana's hand hard as they are taken into a hospital room. This is one usually reserved for the victims of rape, which makes it a more private room, but Santana does not know this. She knows only that every second seems a blur of movement and motion, with the only thing in focus being Rachel and her hand in her own.

They have gone to the hospital where Santana's father works, and yet Santana doesn't register this either. She knows only that she wants her mother, she wants Brittany, and she doesn't want Rachel out of her sight.

She holds Rachel's hand, silent, and when the doctor comes to them, Santana's father is right behind him, paler and more upset than Santana has ever seen him in her life. Although he is normally not an affectionate man, and he and Santana have a somewhat distant relationship, given his busy schedule and his reserved ways, when he comes to her, saying her name in a slightly uneven tone, and reaches to gently touch her face, Santana breaks down in tears and throws herself at him. Her father's arms go around her, gingerly at first, then more firmly, and for the first time that she can remember in probably ten years, he holds her, lightly patting her back. All this time she still doesn't let go of Rachel's hand, crushing it against her father's arm.

When he releases her, handing her a paper towel that she crushes in her hand rather than using to clean herself up with, Dr. Lopez looks at her and tells her softly, "Mija, the police will question you and your friend here after you have been tended to medically. Your mother is on her way, she will be here with you. There…there are things I must handle, so I will not be able to stay, but…I am here, do you understand me, mija? If you…if you need me, I will ask for you, but the other children…"

He trails off, swallowing, and Santana understands the implications. Biting her lip, she asks, "Papi..are they…did anyone else live?"

She can tell by her father's shifting eyes and his lack of a response what the answer was.

Both LeRoy and Hiram had followed Santana and Rachel into the room hovering over their daughter and the fact that she looked so pale and unlike herself. They knew then and there that this was something they would be dealing with for years to come and that it would be hard to go through everything but they would do what they always did and they would manage. They would be the family unit they had promised to be when they decided that they had wanted to start a family of their own. Neither one of them noticed the doctors or Santana's father but they did keep a tight hold of Rachel's free hand and each other, both of them with tear streaked faces from when they had gotten their daughters text message.

Rachel on the other hand was struggling to keep herself awake. She still felt like she was going to be sick, but she was relieved to hear Santana's father speak, knowing that he was there for his daughter the same way her fathers were there for her brought her a new sense of relief. There was no such thing as complete relief though, as their entire world had changed...but when Santana asked about the others, her eyes flicked up to the doctors and watched his expression.

"How.. how could he?"

That day there was going to be families grieving over the loss of their children, no matter what they did wrong or whatever was going on in their lives there was nothing greater than the loss of a child. It was that news which made both LeRoy and Hiram thankful for the fact that both girls had run when they did and escaped a fate like the others.

Santana's father left the room after hugging her one more time, his hand lingering against her face, and Santana huddled against Rachel, still not acknowledging the presence of her fathers. When the doctor comes forward to retake their vitals, then mentions something about the bruises on their arms, asking if they had been grabbed or hit, Santana doesn't at first know what he's talking about until she looks down at her and Rachel's arms and sees what he is talking about, showing more clearly on Rachel's paler skin than her own. They had held each other so hard they were already bruising.

She doesn't answer. When they ask about pain, about whether they had been injured in any way, Santana can't respond. She is thinking instead about Robert, the blood over his chest, about the teacher and the way she could see his eyes change from living to dead even before he hit the ground, and she knew barely without time to do anything about it she was going to vomit. Releasing Rachel's hand at last and almost shoving the doctor out of the way, she ran blindly towards the sink in the back of the room, beginning to gag and choke over it, some of her hair hanging forward dangerously close to the mess. Eyes and nose streaming, she held onto its edge, trying and having great difficulty in forcing the mental images away.

Rachel's fathers mention the way they've been hanging onto each other and that's probably what was behind the bruising showing up on them both. She wasn't fully aware of anything though, the biggest thing she was aware of was Santana's body beside her own. The same body that had help protect her and keep her from screaming in the very beginning. She could see the blood draining from Robert's body, the way his eyes went from bright and full of life to dull and lifeless. She could hear the blood curdling screams of the skank at the front of the room, see the twitching of the monitor as he went down and in that moment she swore she was covered in blood and would never be able to wash her hands clean of it.

The moment she was somewhat snapped back to reality was when Santana let go of her and she immediately began to panic. Within seconds she was pulling things off of her and was at Santana's side, pulling her hair back and rubbing her back hoping that she knew she wasn't alone even when she felt so bad. She didn't speak, she didn't have to because everyone in that room knew that both girls were reliving it all.

Santana held onto the sink's edge, shaking, sobbing, and eventually let go, turning into Rachel and burying her face in her shoulder. She held her hard, not wanting to let go, even though she can hear the doctor speaking to her. It isn't until she hears another familiar voice calling out to her that she finally draws back and lets her mother, now present, take over.

She can hear that her mother is crying quietly as she takes her into her arms, stroking back her hair and holding her almost as though Santana is a child again, six instead of sixteen, rocking her back and forth and kissing her head repeatedly. But as much as she wants and needs her mother, as much as she wants to be held by her, Santana feels a sense of panic as well that her mother has managed to detach her from Rachel. Although she knows the other girl is right there, had in fact been holding her seconds ago, she still somehow just NEEDS her to still be there, to still be connected, and she sobs "Mami, Mami, Rachel- Rachel-" several times before her mother seems to understand.

Kissing her again, Maribel Lopez releases her enough to give her room to grasp for Rachel, and then guides her to sit on the hospital bed, taking Santana onto her lap and wrapping her arms around her waist like she's a young child. Santana lets her mom hold her, still holding Rachel's hand, until the doctor needs both her and Rachel to take off their clothing, which is spattered with minute flecks of Robert's blood, and gives them hospital gowns instead. She waits for him to examine Rachel's ribs and hers as well, and then is told the police will come in.

Hiram was at Rachel's side cradling her to his chest when Santana's mother had managed to break them apart. She clung to her father and cried into his chest, taking a small sense of comfort in the fact that he was there and he wasn't mad at her for anything in that moment. They were there and being supportive and that was all that mattered. The second she felt Santana's hand in her own again she held onto it tightly as if it were the only lifeline that she had to cling to. Santana was her safe place, she felt safe holding onto her and being separated made her feel like she was falling into a dark hole suffocating and struggling to make sense of anything.

Sitting on the edge of the bed with Hiram rubbing her back she kept her hand firmly in Santana's as silent tears fell down her cheeks. She hadn't noticed the blood on her clothing and was too numb to fully register that they were told to get changed. Hiram helped Rachel get undressed and gasped when he saw the dark bruises on her ribs but she didn't care about them. All she wanted was to lay down and hide away in Santana's arms again. Once they had both been examined she laid down on the bed, holding Santana's hand and trying not to close her eyes. She didn't want to see the images again but she knew no matter what they were burnt into her memory for good now.

"Don't let go," she whispered nervously.

Santana isn't about to. She lays down with Rachel, pressing her hip and shoulder to the other girl's, and grips her hand, closing her eyes. She is aware of her mother's hand stroking her hair and face and lets her, dimly noting that her mother is using a wet paper towel to wipe at her face and neck, trying to clean her up, or maybe cool her down. She does feel very hot, even though she still occasionally breaks out in shivers.

When the police come in, Santana doesn't even want to look at them, in case she has to see their guns. She doesn't want to talk to them, she doesn't want to have to think of any of this, and she says as much, her voice shrill, almost a yell, but nevertheless indicating her agitation.

"I don't want to talk about it, can't you leave us alone? Can't you tell what happened?"

Rachel held Santana close, unaware of her dads rubbing her back and trying their hardest to make her relax a little more. All she was able to do was hide against Santana, burying her head against her and closing her eyes. She felt a little safer there, a little happier to try and relax as she cuddled into Santana. Their past was entirely irrelevant, it didn't matter at all, all that mattered was that they had each other. She hadn't stopped crying, and as the police came in, they looked sympathetic, but Rachel didn't look at them.

All she was focusing on was Santana's grip on her and the sound of her voice trying to get rid of the police officers.

_"We have to interview you both about the events of today and it's best to do it right now while it's fresh in your memory."_

Rachel just laughed a dry and bitter laugh because she knew it was never going to fade, the memories were burnt into her memory.

"They're dead, he shot them, we ran." She mumbled, her voice was a mere echo of how it usually sound.

"Miss Berry, Miss Lopez, what we are trying to do here is gather enough evidence so that we can make sure the suspect in question will never be able to do anything like this again," the officer is saying, and Santana's head jerks up. Eyes wide, she starts to nearly yell, gesturing wildly with the hand now hooked through Rachel's.

"Evidence?! There are dead bodies all over the fucking place, there is fucking blood on us, there is a guy with a fucking gun with his fingerprints on it! He did it, we saw him, case closed, what more the fuck do you want us to say?!"

She closed her eyes, a sob erupting at the last word in spite of their harshness, and she turned to put her face against Rachel, a shudder rolling through her. She felt her mother's hands on her back then, heard her faintly, taking up her cause.

"The girls are in shock, Office. They've been through a terrible, horrible thing, and they are injured and upset. Can you please not let them have some time before you make them speak? My daughter was physically ill not twenty minutes ago! There are bruises all over her, and this nina here, she has broken ribs!" She gestured towards Rachel indignantly as she spoke.

Normally, Santana would not want her mother to make her sound weak or childish, and she would have snickered at her describing Rachel as a little girl. But now she hopes they listen.

Rachel couldn't form words to compile a coherent sentence, she was shaking and crying a little as she listened to Santana because that was it. That was the extent of it and it was awful. It was beyond awful and she had no idea why it had happened or even what changed within the room because everything was a blur or blood smeared across the floor and the sounds of shots being fired was all she could hear.

The moment Santana hid against her she held her tightly and pressed a kiss to the top of her head without giving it a second thought. In that moment she just needed Santana to be okay, she needed her to let it all out and to just be left alone by the officers.

LeRoy stepped in when Santana's mother didn't seem to be getting very far.

"I'm a lawyer and I'll be representing both girls and as they are minors we as their parents can say no to them be questioned so this is me saying no on their behalf. What they need right now is rest, support and to get their minds off of today as much as possible. As Mrs Lopez said my daughter has broken ribs and hers has some awful bruising, they are both tired and distraught. If you want evidence bag up their shirts and test the blood on them, you aren't speaking to them today._"_

Santana feels Rachel kiss her and burrows even closer to her, wrapping her arms even more tightly around her. In ordinary circumstances, Rachel Berry kissing her would have caused her to go off on a half panicked tirade, mocking her and accusing her of being gay, worried that someone would see and think something about her and Rachel being not only possibly friends, but TOGETHER- that SANTANA was gay. But right now, it seems unbelievable that she ever would have protested such a thing. She accepts the kiss and the comfort that Rachel's arms provides, and when she hears Rachel's fathers address the officers further, she stays still, waiting to see what will happen.

Not until the officers have left, again stating that they will have to speak with the girls soon and wishing them rest, does Santana finally look up. Maribel touches her shoulder, reaching to smooth back her hair as she talks to her softly.

"Mija, the doctors here have said that you can come home tonight, because you do not have any serious injuries. Papi will be home soon, he will be leaving as early as he can today, and he will be there. As soon as we can check you out we'll go home, carina."

But although she doesn't voice this, this isn't what Santana wants. She had wanted her mother, yes…but right now, her immediate thoughts are that when she goes home, she won't see Rachel. And what if Tyler somehow has escaped, and he knows where she lives? What if he comes to finish what he started?

A sharp gasp escapes her, and she knows she's trembling again. Her mother, not knowing, of course, what's upsetting her, leans to kiss her, rubbing her shoulder.

"Almost, mija. Soon."

The mere thought of being apart from Santana was terrifying, instinctively her grip tightened on her a little forgetting that her ribs were hurting too. She wanted to cry and beg for her not to leave her alone because the fear of Tyler hurting either of them so was too strong for her to handle alone and the images were too much for her to deal with alone but she didn't. She remained silent and tangled up with Santana as much as their bodies would allow.

"Your father and I will stay here with you tonight, sweetheart," Hiram said as she sat on the other side of Rache,l resting a hand on her hip, but it was then that she spoke up, choking out the words she had waiting on the tip of her tongue.

"Santana… I just.. need.. Santana."

She felt weak and pathetic for admitting that, but it was the truth. She needed the girl holding onto her and she needed the closeness that they had shared throughout the entire ordeal. She wasn't even sure how to cope without her holding onto her because it seemed to be what was holding her together.

Santana can hardly believe that Rachel just said what she did. Even though the girl had barely let go of her without being made to over the past few hours, even though Rachel had told her several times not to let go, she had somehow thought unconsciously that this was due to Rachel being kind, that the girl knew her own desire not to be parted. But now Rachel is practically begging her not to go…Rachel is saying she needs her.

And Santana needs Rachel. She knows that now like she knows her own name. She doesn't want to let go, she can't imagine even trying to sleep or move right now without her being there, holding onto her, keeping her somehow safe. Rachel Berry had saved her life today. If it wasn't for Rachel, grabbing her hand, pulling her out of the classroom and into the janitor closet, she would be dead now.

"Mami, I want to stay," she mumbled into Rachel, not looking back at her. "Please, please…please, I…I want to stay."

Maribel looked at the entwined girls, then at Rachel's fathers, biting her lip. Gently she reached out and petted her daughter's hair again, exhaling finally.

"Mija, you need to be sure you'll rest tonight," she said quietly. "The doctors will be prescribing you some medicine to help with that. I just don't want you and Rachel to be disturbing each other when you need to rest. You can stay here if you need, carina, just for tonight, and I will stay with you…but this is Rachel's room and Rachel is the one who needs to stay overnight, mija. You cannot be doing anything to get in the way, and if you are upset and upsetting her…you're going to have to leave and come home with me. Do you understand? You can stay, but only if it will keep you both feeling better tonight."

Rachel managed to crack a small smile as the older woman spoke. She knew that they would both struggle to sleep but she didn't care, the only thing that she was certain of was that she needed Santana there to ensure both of them were safe and sound.

"Thank you," she whispered to their parents before hiding against Santana once more.

They didn't understand how much it meant to her to have Santana be able to stay there with her, it was something that gave her a sense of comfort and happiness that she had been aching for.

88

As the day drags on, their parents make sure that the TV is never on, knowing that news channels will be all that will be playing, showing coverage of the shooting. Santana doesn't talk very much; she doesn't have the energy to. She remains always close to Rachel, keeping contact with her in some way at almost all times. When Rachel's dinner is brought up to her, Santana's mother brings her a tray from the cafeteria, which she doesn't touch. She can't imagine eating tonight. It's not even eight pm before she lays down, somewhat cramped, as the bed was not made for two, with Rachel, closing her eyes as she tries to lose herself in sleep. She threads her arm through Rachel's, pressing her shoulder into hers, and it occurs to her that ironically enough, one thing that would really comfort her now is hearing Rachel sing.

Rachel doesn't eat, she physically can't force herself to eat and the simple smell of food makes her feel ill. What she did do was take a sip of water before nestling back into Santana and closing her eyes. The only thing she needed was Santana and to feel better again instead of feeling so trapped in her own mind and replaying the events of the day. Without realizing it she began humming a tune in her head which had always been one to make her happy and lift her back up whenever she was down. Would it work? She didn't know but she sure hoped it did.

Santana's lips curve into a faint smile, the first and only of the day. She keeps her eyes closed, listening to Rachel's soft hum, and lays her head against the girl's shoulder, her ear close to her mouth. She tries to match her breathing to Rachel's, and listening to her, she is able after several minutes to drift into a light sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

The night directly after the shooting had been a difficult one and both Rachel and Santana had had nightmares, waking up at the same time clinging to each other in the small hospital bed. Their parents had never left their sides and it was nice to know that they cared but the whole ordeal was emotionally crippling for Rachel and she wasn't sure how to handle it at all. But then the morning came and Rachel was being released from the hospital and given some Valium to help her settle and sleep. She didn't want it though, she didn't want their painkillers even though she knew it would help with the pain in her ribs.

For the first time since they had met Rachel and Santana had exchanged phone numbers because they knew their parents wouldn't let them stay together now, they were being made to go their separate ways and were taken out the back exit of the hospital to avoid the reporters waiting for them looking for an interview or confirmation that they had in fact seen it all. The entire walk out of the hospital Rachel had clung to Santana and was dreading letting her go.

"Let me know when you're home safely," she whispered to the taller girl. She felt protective over her and just needed to know that she was okay and that Tyler hadn't somehow escaped custody and tried to finish off what he had started.

She wasn't sure what anyone else at the school would be saying but she knew that she couldn't step foot back in those hallways when all she could see was the blood and hear the sounds of the gun being fired. She needed to be in the safety of her own bedroom and have the comfort of knowing that her fathers refused to have firearms in their house purely because of how dangerous they were and they didn't believe in the ownership of them for anyone outside of police officers. When both families reached their cars Rachel hugged Santana in a bone crushing hug, reluctant to let her go.

Santana had never in her life felt genuinely physically unsafe. That was not to say that she was without fear; despite her outside exterior, she was actually very much afraid of many things in her daily life. Getting kicked off the Cheerios and slipping down the social ladder at school, becoming a "loser" or having people see that deep down, she genuinely was one; gaining weight and becoming unattractive; going through life without anyone ever loving her; losing Brittany and her acceptance and approval of her; but mostly, people seeing through her mask to know that she was a lesbian, to know how deeply she felt about Brittany, and how small and weak she sometimes really felt. But all of these fears were absolutely nothing now in comparison to what she felt leaving the hospital and not having Rachel by her side.

Every moment of her life was a struggle now just to get through it. She had had nightmares throughout the night, waking up shaking and sobbing and clinging to Rachel, and even her mother coming to her and stroking her, trying to hold her, had not quite calmed her like Rachel's touch had. She had had panic attacks at least twice at sudden and loud noises in the hospital. The hospital had allowed no visitors, but when her mother gave her her cell phone, letting her talk to Brittany, for once, Brittany had not been able to provide her with a sense of comfort with her words either. In fact, trying to talk to Brittany had made Santana cry so hard her mother had taken the phone away, telling Brittany that talking to her was going to have to wait.

And now they were making her leave Rachel, the only thing that had consistently made her feel better. Now they would make her go home and be just with her mami, and how would her mami protect her or Rachel either for that matter?

Outside the hospital Santana clung to Rachel, not wanting to let go. Only at the gentle urging of their parents did she manage, and as soon as she was in the car with her mother, she lowered her head, hands gripping the edge of her seat, and fought back tears.

How could she make them understand how much she needed her right now?

The entire drive home Rachel was panicking and shaking and in tears as they drove. She didn't care about her dads seeing her weak because in that moment she had no strength to care. She didn't have the one person who was holding her together, she needed Santana and without her she felt as though she was crumbling and barely able to keep it together. Before she knew her breaths were coming in harshly and she couldn't breathe properly, the pain in her ribs became excruciating and she let out a scream as she was plunged back into the darkest moments that McKinley had ever seen.

LeRoy picked her up out of the car and encouraged her to try and breathe normally but all he got out of her was mumbles of Santana and needing to see her. Everything else didn't make sense and they knew it wouldn't as long as she was in the midst of her panic attack. Without hesitation they carried her to her room and laid her under her covers as she continued shaking. Hiram had spoken to a therapist before they left the hospital who said to check her room to make her feel safe and he did before both of them climbed into bed on either side of their daughter, holding her as she continued crying.

Santana fared somewhat better than Rachel, but not by much. By the time her mother had driven her to their home, she was shaking so badly she couldn't seem to get her legs to work well enough to move her out of the car on her own, and her mother had had to help her, half carrying, half dragging her towards the house. Once inside she had made her some warm tea and sat with her, rubbing her back and holding her hand as Santana struggled to drink it. She didn't want to drink it; she felt like she would vomit if she had anything in her stomach, but Maribel insisted, and eventually she had finished about half of it. When Santana stood then, insisting on checking every single room in the house, just to make certain it was all free of any people or objects that could cause them harm, Maribel went with her, staying quiet, and let her do her check. Even after she had been physically assured of this, though, Santana was still so anxious and on edge all she wanted then was to call Rachel.

Eventually Rachel had calmed down a little as she laid sandwiched between her dads who held her tightly and continued reassuring her that everything was going to be safe and they were going to be fine. Before too long she asked her phone and dialed Santana's number while Hiram went and grabbed an ice pack for her ribs.

"Come on.. pick up.. pick up.." She said desperately into the phone.

Santana jumped and almost screamed when she heard the phone ring, but lunged for it, even as her mother gave her a warning look.

"Santana, mija, now is probably not the best time to be speaking with friends," she tried to tell her, but Santana paid her no attention. It was Rachel's name on the phone, and that was all she cared about right now.

Answering, automatically curling into a ball on the couch as she cradled the phone to her chest, she said," Rachel? Are you okay? Are you safe? Are you home? you got home, right?"

"I'm home and safe but I just.. I wish you were her,."she admitted.

She hated feeling so weak, but she needed Santana more than she needed anyone else.

"Are you okay? You're safe at home right?"

"I want you here too," Santana admitted, cradling the phone. Her chest feels tight, her cheeks hot, and she rocks unconsciously, letting out her breath. "I'm…it's safe. I guess. It's just….I just wish you were here."

Rachel looked between her dads questioning them silently hoping they would let her and Santana be together again.

"Can.. can I.. come to you?" she asked nervously, she just needed to be there and see Santana again and curl up with her.

"Yes," Santana says immediately. She doesn't care what her mom thinks or what she'll tell her; this is the only acceptable reply to her. "Yes, please…"

Leaping up from her bed she grabbed a bag with a change of clothes just in case she needed it and her dads just nodded at each other and went down to the car. "On my wa,."she whispered into the phone.

"Okay," Santana tells her, already feeling more at ease. When she hangs up, her mother is watching her, frowning, and Santana gets defensive.

"What?"

"Santana," Maribel starts, gently but firmly. "I understand your need to know that Rachel is all right. But she is, carina. Her fathers are with her, and she is safe. No one will harm her or you. You understand that you cannot be with her every moment of the day to make sure of that."

"I know," Santana shrugged, but despite her words, that was exactly waht she wanted to do and intended to try. "I know, Mami."

Before too long Rachel arrived at the Lopez's house and knocked on the front door with her dads standing close behind her.

_"You can't spend every moment together but we will grant you today,"_ LeRoy said firmly and with a small nod she stood back and waited for someone to answer the door.

Santana had been hanging around near it, practically twitching out of her skin in her impatience. She opens the door less than five seconds after the bell has rung and wastes no time stepping forward and wrapping her arms around Rachel, burying her face in her shoulder. Already she feels relaxed, relieved, her muscles loosening up just to feel the girl in her arms again. She doesn't move, even when she feels her mother's hand on her back.

"Santana, let the girl come in. And be careful of her ribs."

"Sorry," Santana mumbled, but she barely eased up.

Rachel held onto Santana just as tightly and let out an audible sigh of relief which made her dads relax a little too. Holding onto Santana she buried her head in her shoulder and just breathed her in, soaking up the closeness and the comfort.

"My ribs are fine, the painkillers are doing their job," he said softly as she rubbed Santana's back gently.

"Good," Santana whispered back. She doesn't want to move, but eventually, at her mother's repeated urging, she lets go enough to let Rachel come in. She hears her mother politely asking her fathers if they want to come in, but ignores it. She just heads straight for her room, Rachel's hand in hers, and shuts the door behind her.

"What do you want to do?" she asks Rachel, once their well-meaning parents are out of sight and hearing.

Rachel's dads only stay for a little bit and leave the medication she was given with Maribel and leave their numbers should they be needed and the three parents sit around chatting while the girls disappeared into Santana's room. When they were in Santana's room Rachel looked around and shrugged.

"I don't know, I kind of just needed to see you. We could watch a movie but I don't really know what's the safest to watch right now."

Santana went to her shelf of DVDs and flipped through for those she kept to watch with Brittany- the ones she'd never admit to watching to anyone at school. Scanning the row, she picked out a My Little Pony movie, blushing a little, and held it out.

"It's lame and it's NOT mine. But there's no death and no scary, unless you count their ridiculous hair."

When Rachel saw Santana's pick she smiled a little as memories of her childhood came back.

"Ridiculous hair totally counts," she said with a soft laugh falling from her lips for the first time.

"We can watch Care Bears…Sweet Valley Twins…Rose Petal Place…Strawberry Shortcake…Rainbow Brite," Santana named the other old shows, holding them up. "Pick your poison. They're all sappy, way too bright, and cheery…so you should love," She teased lightly.

Rachel laughed a little more this time before gasping when it hurt her ribs and quickly shutting up. "Surprise me and you should know I don't usually go with these sorts of things. Horror movies are a little too much but I don't mind action.. usually."

Santana frowns when the girl gasps, coming over quickly. "Are you okay? Do you still hurt?"

She is still frowning as she answers, "I think we'll stick with the ponies." Reason being not her concern for Rachel but rather for herself. Action means guns, and Santana has no desire to even look at a gun on TV right now.

Rachel ended up sitting down on the edge of Santana's bed and nodded. "I'm okay. Just hurts when I laugh but I'll be fine," she reassured her before nodding in agreement. "I'd rather the safer stuff like ponies that things with any kind of stuff like that.." she said, knowing that Santana would catch onto what she meant.

"Well quit laughing, then," Santana shakes her head at her, some worry still in her tone. As she comes around to the TV, slipping the DVD in, and gets on the bed, she looks back at Rachel, waiting to see what the other girl will do. With Brittany, she always cuddles while watching TV, and that's exactly what she wants to do now, but she's not totally sure of what Rachel wants.

Rachel smiled softly and nodded. When Santana joined her on the bed it wasn't long before she had moved and nestled herself into Santana's side. She found a great comfort in cuddling with Santana even if she knew she couldn't admit it to any one of her friends or the way that she felt so protected in her hold and craved it now

Santana relaxes, winding her arms loosely around Rachel, careful not to jar her ribs. She rests her head against Rachel's, feeling her body releasing some of the tension constantly present in it now as she sinks back against her pillows with her. She pays little attention to the TV, only thinking about how nice and comfortable it is to be held, to hold Rachel back, and to know without a doubt she's okay.

"This is kind of weird," she says after a few moments. She doesn't look at Rachel, not wanting to see her face as she says this. "Why are we…doing this?"

Rachel relaxed a lot more as Santana held her. She wasn't really watching the TV but the background noise was was welcome instead of total silence. Looking up at Santana she nods but lays her head against her shoulder and closes her eyes. "Because for some strange reason it feels nice and safe and we need this."

"But you're the size of a Tic Tac," Santana pointed out, exhaling. "It's not like you're gonna turn into Hulk and kill people for me. And you might have noticed, and I swear to God, I never actually said this, but as much as I talk about going Lima Heights on people, I actually kinda suck at fighting. Drawing blood is pretty much the height of violence I can usually inflict."

But even as she says this she is thinking, and her lips press into a thin line before she says quietly, "You saved my life."

"As long as I'm an orange flavored one then I can take that," she said teasingly. "I may be no Hulk but I don't mind, I can kick people where it hurts if I need to and you don't have to be some crazy strong person to actually be strong, Santana. You can use your slapping to your advantage." She said softly and reassuringly.

When Santana said that she had saved her life she just shook her head. "I couldn't leave you there,."she whispered as she held Santana a little tighter than before.

Slapping doesn't do a hell of a lot of good when someone is bigger, stronger, and more deadly. Santana knows this, maybe has all along. She doesn't stand a chance against any man that wished her harm, with the exception of maybe Kurt.

When Rachel tells her she couldn't leave her, squeezing her, Santana's breath catches, and her eyes fill with tears that she tries to blink back. She had been so rude and cruel to Rachel for so long without a second thought, and only in the past couple of months, through Glee, had she eased up even a little. And yet this girl had thought immediately not just of saving her own ass, but Santana's too. Would Santana have done the same, if she had been capable of thinking to preserve herself in those moments? Or would she have run out the door without a thought for Rachel, for anyone but herself?

She doesn't know, and the thought is upsetting to her. She blinks again, pressing her lips together, and though she doesn't pull away, she can feel her body tense against Rachel's.

Rachel held a little tighter when she felt her tensing up. "I know we've had our differences and sure words hurt but I was never mad at you for it. Perhaps I never understood the motives but we all have our reasons for doing what we do," she managed to whisper before closing her eyes and trying not to let herself slip back into a panicked mode again. She didn't know what Santana was trying to hide from the world but she figured there was something that maybe she hadn't even admitted to herself. But then again Rachel couldn't talk, there was things she was still trying to figure out.

"You should have been mad," Santana forced out, swallowing again. "You should have hated me. You still should. But…you didn't, and you.." she is having difficulty putting it in words even to herself. How could Rachel forgive her, want to be kind to her? How could she actually comfort her, think of her above everyone else in that room?

A tear slips down her cheek, and she starts to pull away, even though doing so feels wrong, the exact opposite of what she wants.

Rachel shrugged a little despite the protest of her ribs. "You're human and I'm a Berry, I was raised to not let the words of others affect me," she said as if it were the most obvious answer in the world.

When Santana began pulling away she sighed and reached out for her hand. "Santana, stop. Don't.. don't pull away. I know you probably don't get why everything happened the way it did yesterday and I don't think I do either really but all I know is that there was something telling me I couldn't go alone."

"I would have left you," Santana stated, her voice harsh. She doesn't know if this is true, but she thinks it's possible, and so she says it. It's almost as though she is trying to push Rachel away, even as much as she needs her- a punishment to herself, for her past behavior. She pulls her hand away and says it again, even as tears continue to trickle down her face. "I would have left you there alone."

Rachel visibly shrank back at Santana's words but for some reason she just didn't believe them. "No you wouldn't."

She got up and went over to her, blocking her path. "You're not heartless, Santana. But for some crazy reason I feel like I can't breathe without you close, I need you and I don't say that to just anyone."

"I would have left you. I would have let you…I would have let you-"

But as hard as she tries, Santana can't force out the word "die," not now, not ever. Not in reference to Rachel. More tears stream down her face, and she tries to duck under her arm, not wanting to touch her to move her.

"Stop. Rachel…stop."

Rachel froze, her hand was midway between herself and Santana and for a moment she couldn't breathe at all and her chest constricted painfully. "You want me gone, then I'll go," she murmured, and grabbed her bag, turning on her heel to head out the door, trying to ignore the tears welling up in her eyes.

Santana doesn't want Rachel gone. It's the absolute last thing she wants right now…but Rachel shouldn't be here. If this is what she wants most, she shouldn't have it. She should be denying herself, protecting Rachel from the kind of person she is, the person Santana is only now beginning to acknowledge how much she sometimes hates herself for being.

She lets Rachel go, even though as soon as the girl closes the door behind her, she bursts into tears, their intensity and loudness actually scaring her. She covers her mouth, shoulders shaking as she tries to hold back. She can't let Rachel hear.

With Santana letting her go she walked out the door but she didn't make it very far. She was half way down the stairs before she stopped and sat down with her head in her hands. It isn't until her dads spot her that they come and encourage her to come with them. Without a word she got up and took Hiram's hand. On their way out she thanked Maribel and asked her to check on her daughter before they walked out and got into the car.

When Maribel opens the door to Santana's room, she is alarmed to find her on her knees on the floor by her bed, hunched forward so her face half hides her hair, crying so sharply her entire body is shuddering. Her face alit with concern, even fear, Maribel started towards her quickly, trying to pull Santana to her feet, to pull her into her arms.

"Santana, bebe, what happened? Did Rachel say something? Shhh, Santanita, come here. Shh, you will make yourself ill-"

"I can't!" Santana burst out with, and with a loud sob she pushed away from Maribel, staggering to her feet and running out the room, down the hall, and towards the front door. The car is already starting down the street when Santana chases after it, screaming, waving her arms. "Stop! Stop, stop, stop!"

They were half way down the road and Rachel was lost in her own world, in her own mind and off a million miles away but then the car stopped and suddenly she was panicking thinking something had happened.

_"She needs you,"_ LeRoy says, and that's all it takes for her to leap out of the car and see Santana there.

"Santana?"

It comes out as a question rather than how she had wanted it to, but she couldn't deny that the girl looked so shaken up and she felt the exact way Santana looked. She doesn't think about her actions and just goes to her, taking her hand into her own.

"I've got you."

Maribel is coming rapidly after Santana now, genuinely frightened that she is going to do something reckless and destructive, such as throw herself in front of the car. Her pace slows when she sees Santana clinging to Rachel's hand with both of hers, hanging on her, still sobbing hard as she tries to get out the words.

"I'm sorry, I'm s-sorry, don't leave, I sh-shouldn't…I'm s-sorry…please…"

Santana doesn't care anymore about what she deserves or what she should be doing. She can't stand for Rachel to go, for Rachel to think she doesn't want her there or like her, that she would really want her dead. She can't stand it, so she grips her hand and weeps, unable to put it into any words except sputtered incoherent apologies.

Rachel pulled Santana into and into one of the tightest hugs she could manage.

"It's okay, it's okay. I'm not letting you go."

She knew that they both needed each other right now, there was no denying it. Even so she was struggling to explain the strange connection between them and the draw to be with Santana no matter what. "We're okay," she whispered in an attempt to get Santana to breathe normally again.

Santana takes some time to start calming down, gasping for breath. She chokes, coughing, and tightens her grip on Rachel. A few more whispered sorries before she slumps into her, letting Rachel hold her.

She hears her mother coming forward, lightly touching both girls as she urges them out of the road, and she lets herself be lightly pushed that way. Still she doesn't let go or look up.

Rachel held onto Santana as best she could and let's Santana's mother move them out of the way as Rachel's dads parked their car and got out, coming over to them. Looking up from Santana she looked between their parents and bit her lip nervously.

"I'm sorry you guys are going through this too," she whispered before dropping a light kiss to the top of Santana's head.

"Girls…" Maribel trails off, completely at a loss as to what is going on. She glances over at Rachel's father's, her expression strained, and eventually touches Santana's back lightly.

"Come back inside. It's late, and you need rest. Rest, water, and food, because the two of you have eaten very little. And medication, Santana. Come with me….come."

She pats Santana's back, and after a few minutes Santana can detach from Rachel just enough to comply. She lets her mother guide them back into the kitchen and get her some water, setting the medication prescribed to her in front of her to take as well. It takes a few tries before she can get it down.

Holding onto Santana's hand she followed Maribel inside and sat down beside Santana as close as physically possible with both of her father's resting a protective hand on her shoulder. The entire time Santana tried to take her medication Rachel sat there squeezing her hand gently and resting her head against the girls shoulder. She was exhausted but she knew she couldn't do much and there was no way she could attempt sleeping again. But she did take her painkillers and waited patiently for them to kick in.

Eventually Santana does manage to force down the medication and drink most of the water, but she still won't eat, no matter how much Maribel tries to make her. Probably the only person who would be able to coax her into it then would be Rachel, because she's the only person Santana would feel obligated to try for. Her head is throbbing, and she feels almost feverish now from her emotion and exhaustion. Letting her head rest against Rachel's, she half shuts her eyes, waiting for her mother to urge her up and towards bed.

"You need to shower, mija, but not tonight. Bed." She looks at Rachel's fathers, wondering whether after all this turmoil, they intend to have Rachel stay or not.

Rachel just sat there quietly the entire time not making a peep, all she wanted to do was lay down in the darkness and block out everything. LeRoy and Hiram exchange looks before looking to the girls.

_"It's your decision in the end but I think right now we need to ease them into being apart again,"_ Hiram said to Maribel as Rachel let out a small sigh and held onto Santana a little tighter.

Santana's eyes snap open, and she looks between the men and her mother, silently begging that they be allowed to stay. Maribel too looks torn, weary, and she sighs, then slowly shakes her head.

"Santana…you know you cannot stay with Rachel every day, nor can she stay with you. She has her fathers and they will keep her safe, and you are safe here. She needs her rest and so do you."

"Mami-" Santana, started, already seeing where this was going, her voice taking on a panicked edge. But Maribel shook her head, coming to her then and putting her hands on her shoulders.

"Rachel, I am thankful you are safe and that you have been so good to my daughter, and you are welcome here," she told the other girl quietly. "But you need some time with your family, and Santana needs time with hers. Santana, you will sleep with me tonight, but you will sleep in your own home, in your own bed."

Santana's arms tightened around Rachel, and she just shook her head mutely, panic pressing against her chest.

Rachel's heart sank but she knew deep down that this was coming whether either of them liked it or not, it was going to happen. Their parents were right and even though she wanted to deny it she had no option but to go with it. Holding Santana close she buried her head in Santana's hair and closed her eyes in an attempt to make herself stop crying.

"Call me.. text me.. facetime even… we don't have an option," she whispered. Her words were muffled by Santana's hair and she knew the others hadn't heard them.

Santana can't respond. She won't let go of Rachel, not without being made to, even if she is hurting the girl. It is this admonition from her mother, combined with her gentle but firm tugs at her shoulders, that makes her finally have to release her. Maribel starts to steer Santana towards her bedroom, not wanting her to have to watch Rachel walk out the door, and even before she's opened the door to her bedroom, Santana can feel herself crying again. She wouldn't have thought herself capable of such a seemingly endless supply of tears, but today, she just can't seem to stop.

The moment she's free from Santana's hold Hiram picked her up before she could collapse onto the ground and helped her out to the car. Getting back into the car she was struggling and remained completely deflated throughout the entire drive home. When they finally got home she had tears streaming down her face and headed straight for the shower, needing some space away from the people that tore them both apart and needing to try and gather her thoughts.

Maribel steers Santana into her bedroom and undresses her, not even asking Santana for any help or input. It's become obvious that the girl is not going to be able to do any further tasks for herself today. She dresses her again in comfortable pajamas, then guides her into bed, pulling back the covers and gently helping her to lie down. All this time Santana is crying softly, appearing defeated, hopeless, and although she doesn't notice, her mother's face is almost grief-stricken itself, watching her. When her mother gets in bed with her and draws her into her arms, slowly stroking her hands through her hair, Santana lets her hold her, but it is a considerable amount of time before she has exhausted herself enough to lie quietly.

Rachel hadn't left the shower for almost half an hour which sparks the worry of her fathers. Hiram ignores her want for being alone and walks into her bathroom finding her sobbing on the shower floor. Turning off the now cold water she helps her up she dries her off before getting her dressed for bed. She is completely deflated, lacking energy and doesn't help much so he carries her to bed tucking her in and when he goes to get off he feels a shaky hand reaching for his.

"Daddy stay.. please?" she asked through a fresh round of tears. With a nod he climbed into bed beside her and pulled her into his chest, rubbing her back and looking like he himself was about to cry. LeRoy walked in and joined them both, holding them he begins singing a soft in the softest voices which eventually lulls Rachel to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

It had been a little over a week since the shooting, and supposedly, this was sufficient time off for everyone before they had to go back again.

Santana didn't know who the hell had made that decision, but obviously, it was someone who didn't have a clue what they were talking about. Someone who hadn't been there, who hadn't seen the bodies and the blood, who hadn't heard the shots and the screams. Someone who hadn't seen those other kids every day, alive, walking and talking and mostly being pains in the ass to everyone, kids she normally wouldn't have had a second thought about or wanted to see, let alone talk to…but kids who she had known. Kids who had been real and alive and part of her daily life. Kids who had suffered and been frightened and died on their high school floors.

So what if they had cleaned the school? So what if Tyler was in prison and awaiting trial? What would stop another kid from doing the same thing? What would stop Santana herself from seeing the blood all over again, even on freshly washed floors? What would make any of this even a little bit okay?

She wanted to go to another school, or to drop out entirely. She wanted to be homeschooled or take online classes, and her mother had wavered, considering this. But in the end it was her father who had put his foot down.

"Santana will never recover from the trauma if she continues to hide from it and allow it to continue to cause her such fear," he had stated, shaking his head. "I am certain it will be difficult, but she has already developed posttraumatic stress disorder and it is likely because we allowed her to avoid her fears. The more she does so, the more frightened she will be when forced to face them. She needs her education, she needs to move on, and she will have to do it."

It was true that Santana's mother had slept with her every night since she had forced her to stop sleeping over with Rachel, and that every time Santana woke up sobbing and gasping for breath, she had rocked and held her like a child, soothing her in a manner that Santana's father had eventually declared unhelpful to her. It was true that her mother had told Santana she could not watch TV, go online, or read any papers until the fervor of coverage died down, and Santana herself had not wanted to leave the house and not done so. It was also true that even the calls and visits Santana received from friends, especially the onpourings of the concerned, frightened Glee members had been restricted; she had let her speak only with Quinn and have a visit only from Brittany, both which had been cut off when Santana could not stop crying and her friends could not seem to comfort her. She had been very sheltered, with her mother making sure she took medication every day to help her sleep and try to ease her anxiety- medication that her father declared to be a crutch.

"You have to get beyond this, Santana," he had told her. "You will be seeing a psychologist, and you will talk about it there. It is talk and not medication that will make things better."

But on the two occasions she had seen the psychologist this week, Santana had been unable to say anything at all. She had simply sat with her head down, cupping her elbows, and refused, not wanting the panic at the words she still could not say, the thoughts she didn't want to have, to flood through her again. And each time she had fallen apart the moment she was safely back in the car with her mother.

She didn't want to go to school. But she had no other choice; her father had made it clear she would go if he had to carry her in himself.

The one comfort she could get from this was Rachel. The two were in honors classes and had almost all of them together. Santana never would have thought the day would come where she would take comfort in having almost the same schedule as Rachel, but now it seemed an immense relief. She had called to coordinate her arrival time with Rachel's, and as her mother dropped her off at the front of the school, giving her a tight hug and kiss, she had whispered to her, "Carina, please call me if you need, I have taken off work all week and I can take off one more day. But you will be all right. You are strong and you are safe and I am so proud of you. I love you."

It had taken everything she had not to burst into tears, cling to her mom, and beg her not to leave without her. But Santana had taken a deep breath and let her go, waiting for Rachel even as she tried to fight the panic already closing over her throat and pressing against her chest. When she saw the girl coming forward, she almost lunged towards her and wrapped her arms around her, hugging her hard and briefly burying her face in her shoulder. It was several more minutes before she could pull apart, already teary-eyed, take one last gulping breath, and holding Rachel's hand in hers in a vice grip, take her first few steps inside the school.

Immediately Santana wrapped her arms around Rachel, as much for her own comfort as the other girl's. She closes her eyes tightly, her voice shaking as she tells Rachel to do the same.

"We're…we're supposed to breathe. We're supposed to…it's not real anymore, it's not…"

But she is shaking too, and she knows her heart is racing against Rachel's just as rapidly. She rubs her hand over Rachel's back, trying to ground herself by touching the girl, feeling her solidly against her, as she fights back the terrible thoughts coming into her head.

"We…we're together…he's not here," she tells Rachel, but she doesn't sound certain at all. "He's not here."

Rachel closes her eyes upon Santana's insistence. Holding onto Santana she listened to her shaky voice and held her even tighter than before. She didn't register that she was crying by that point and some people had stopped and just stared at them. She didn't notice anything other than Santana holding her and the way they were both shaking.

"How… how do we… "

She trailed off as a locker slammed and she screamed thinking it was another gun firing. Burying her head in Santana's shoulder she held onto her as she cried, she wasn't strong enough to do this and all she wanted was to hide out in her room with Santana and not emerge for a while.

Santana jumped too, her nails digging into Rachel's skin, and she whirled them sideways so her back was not an open target, head jerking up, eyes darting. After determining that there was no gun in sight, she is still shaken, and she rocks Rachel, fighting back her own tears.

She notices the people looking at them, and tries to glare at them, feeling a rush of protectiveness over Rachel, but doesn't yet snap back. They can damn well walk on and leave them alone.

"I have first period with you," Santana tells Rachel, muttering into her shoulder. "It will be okay. We'll switch seats. We'll sit by the door. It will be okay."

Rachel cried into Santana's shoulder and just held onto her as she rocked them. She could tell that Santana was feeling protective over her just as she was too. She didn't move her head from Santana's shoulder for a few minutes, and when she did she noticed Kurt standing close by looking worried.

When Santana spoke she nodded a little and carefully untangled herself but wrapped an arm around the girls waist and slowly walked towards their first class. "The door sounds good."

Santana almost pushed past Kurt, not wanting to look at or be looked at by anyone. She was hardly in the mood to be judged or stared at, to have people looking at her like there was something wrong or strange about her or what she was doing…or worse, challenging it. She couldn't stand to hear anyone imply right now that she was using Rachel or she was in any way harming her, or that she was going to turn this against her when Rachel didn't expect it.

She walked with her slowly, opening the door and immediately claiming the seats closest to it. Sitting down with Rachel, she grips her hand beneath the desks, her chest tight, as she lowers her head, already barely able to stand sitting still here.

Kurt followed them, seeing as he had the same classes with them for the most part. When they reached their class she walked in and sat down beside Santana, gripping her hand tightly. Shifting her chair a little closer she rested her head on her shoulder and closed her eyes.

"I feel like I'm suffocating in here."

Santana squeezed her hand, not replying. She doesn't trust herself to speak right now. Her throat feels dry and scratchy, and every time she breathes in there is a coldness in her lungs. She feels sick to her stomach and finds herself rocking slightly in her seat without meaning to, the hand not gripping Rachel's pressed against her chest.

Rachel closed her eyes trying to picture herself somewhere, anywhere but there. She couldn't be there and she couldn't live in fear. When their teacher walked in she opened her eyes but all she saw was the monitor of their detention and just started shaking.

"I have… have.. to get out.. out of here."

Santana hears Rachel, but she can't bring herself to move. It's as though she is back, one week ago, again paralyzed by fear as the horror of the moment occurred all around her. She can't stand with Rachel, can't try to comfort her, and she can't reason with herself that her fear is illogical. Instead she squeezes Rachel's hand harder and harder, a soft sobbing noise escaping her throat, as she inwardly panics at the thought of Rachel leaving the room without her.

Rachel instinctively wrapped her arm around Santana when she sobbed despite the pain that came with it.

"Hey.. shh, you're okay," she whispered, completely unaware that the class was waiting for them. "I'm here."

Santana slowly raised her eyes, her heartbeat still out of control, and leaned into Rachel's touch, wrapping her arm around her too. Gradually she becomes aware of several classmates gawking at her, and she snaps back at them, her face reddening.

"This is a classroom, not a circus, and we're sitting in the back of the room. Your eyes are in the wrong damn direction."

Rachel didn't look at their classmates, she just held onto Santana and kept her head resting on her shoulder. She was too tired and too anxious to really make eye contact with anyone else.

"Alright everyone, let's get focus back.. we have a class to get started,_"_ Mr Shue called out, redirecting everyone's attention onto him.

Santana doesn't know how she makes it through the period. Every time someone scuffs their feet or closes a book too hard, coughs or shifts too suddenly, she jumps, even gasps, heart leaping into her throat. She feels like a bundle of raw nerves, barely in control of her body as the lesson drags on, and she doesn't even attempt to pay attention or take notes. It takes all her concentration to sit in her seat and hold onto Rachel, to take what comfort the other girl's presence gives her.

Rachel's own reactions mirror Santana's, she's shaking like a leaf towards the end of the lesson. Nothing is written on her notebook other than nervous taps of her pen against the paper. All of it is completely out of character for the petite brunette but she wasn't herself and she wasn't sure that she ever would be. She was just lost and scared and the only comfort she could find was in the arms of Santana, who she had grown fond of over the past week. When the lesson was finally done and they were dismissed, she still didn't move, it was like something had glued her to her seat and she was struggling to get the signals from her brain to her feet.

Santana notices Rachel's struggle and leans over her, lightly touching her shoulder as she forces herself to her feet. She rubs her shoulder, talking to her softly.

"Come on. I'm here, okay? Nothing will happen."

She isn't sure she really believes that, but every time she focuses on trying to help Rachel, it makes her focus less on her own fear.

Rachel finally got to her feet, holding onto Santana's hand and managed to force out a small smile.

"What do we have next?"

Usually she knew her schedule like the back of her hand but right now she was drawing blanks on absolutely everything. She barely knew which day it was let alone what classes she had all day.

Santana too has to wrack her thoughts, finally coming up with history. Boring, safely so, right?

She walks with Rachel, her hand tightly squeezing, and barely makes it halfway down the hallway before she comes to a stop, her chest compressing as they stop in front of THAT closet. She is hit with a strong urge to drag Rachel back inside with her, to hide from the noisy hallways and the other kids, kids she can't see all at once and watch and KNOW she's safe from. She is starting to breathe much faster than before, lightheaded, as she squeezes Rachel's hand.

When they stop in front of the closet her breath hitches in her throat and she jumps a little when she feels Kurt's hand on her back. _"Come on, Rach."_ He whispers to her which get's her to snap out of everything long enough to tug on Santana's hand gently and encourage her to keep moving. When they finally reach their history class she does the same thing as they had earlier and sits by the door urging Santana to sit with her. There was a vacant seat, one which she knew was occupied with one of the girls that were shot that day and immediately she feels herself crumble and dissolve into a teary mess. Sure she wasn't friends with her but she had been there in those final, terrifying moments.

Santana can't do it. She can't sit here, not now, maybe never. She can't pretend to listen, she can't pretend that she's okay or that any of this will be okay. She can't pretend that she isn't constantly thinking of blood and death and dying, of all the possible dangers that could crop up, and she can't watch Rachel so upset. She too sees and is stricken by the empty chair, and without another thought she struggles to haul Rachel to her feet and out of the classroom.

"Come on- come on- come ON-"

She doesn't know where she's going, but here, she doesn't feel safe. Here, she is going to pass out or start crying, and she can't tolerate it anymore.

Rachel doesn't fight Santana she just get's up with her and allows herself to be pulled out of the classroom. Of course their teachers all understand and know that it's going to take a while for both girls to fully recover and get back into everything but at the same time they were worried about allowing them to fall too far behind. Once they were out in the hallway she looks around with tears still falling down her cheeks.

"Can we leave?" she asked nervously, they had stayed for one class and she hoped that was enough because she couldn't take being there any longer.

Santana is still struggling to breathe. She doesn't let Rachel pause, walking with her at a rapid pace, and this becomes pacing, circling the halls and dragging Rachel with her as she tries to think of somewhere, anywhere she'll feel safe. The more she walks the less she can think, and the more panicked she is feeling.

Just then Puck steps out of the classroom next to the ones they had just exited, his face furrowed with concerned confusion, and Santana realizes then she's cursing aloud without realizing, loud enough that it had apparently attracted his attention. He takes a step towards them, hand extended, and then stops, still frowning.

"Santana? Rach? You okay?"

"Get us out!" Santana spun on him, her tone urgent, intense. "Your keys…your…get us OUT!"

Rachel is shaking like a leaf the entire time, she can't be there and she knows that. She can't take it anymore and the mere thought of staying there too much longer was making her feel like she was going to throw up. She couldn't take it no matter how much she had been told that going back would help her feel better, it was doing the opposite. When Puck came out she was startled and snapped back to reality and just looked at him, wanting to just hug both him and Santana but she can't move, again.

"Yeah, come on."

Normally he wouldn't give anyone the keys to his truck but he knew that both girls couldn't be in that school any longer. When they were out in the parking lot Rachel was struggling to keep herself upright and breathe calmly.

"Temple… I need to go to Temple," she whispered.

She wasn't sure why, but she felt the need to go to a place where she had always found some kind of peace in times of need. And right now was one of those times, she had to go there.


	5. Chapter 5

Puck opens the door for them and actually helps them inside, and looking between them, seems to realize that neither girl is in the shape to drive. Shrugging, he slides behind the wheel, starts up the car, and glances into the backseat, where Santana is clinging to Rachel, her forehead pressed into her shoulder.

"Uh…temple? okay?" he said uncertainly, but as he goes to the same that Rachel does, he knows how to get there. He drives, occasionally glancing back at them.

Rachel felt pathetic needing Puck's help but he didn't question them, he knew enough of what had happened to know that neither of them were in the right frame of mind. When he agreed to take them to temple she rubbed Santana's back gently and held her as close as possible.

"Thank you." She whispered. It was an odd request but it was something she needed, she needed to try and restore her faith in humanity and that was the place for her to do so, or at least that's what she thought.

Santana doesn't know what to expect from Temple. She's never been to one, as she has been raised Catholic, and normally she would be somewhat curious. But today she simply gets out of the car somewhat numbly when Puck parks, her arm wrapped around Rachel's waist as she walks with her to its entrance. Now that she is away from the school she is breathing easier, and when Puck puts a hand on her shoulder, asking again if she's okay, she is able to swallow and nod in response.

When they walk inside Rachel closes her eyes for a brief moment and let herself relax a little more as the familiarity surrounded her. She didn't think as she walked up to the front and sat in the second row, her eyes fall shut and her head bows a little. It's then that she begins to pray, for those that were killed, for Santana, for herself and for justice to be served to Tyler and for someone to help him. She doesn't pay attention to how long she's still with her eyes shut. She just knows that she needs this, she needs this time to try and make peace with everything.

Santana had always had a dubious relationship with God, especially since her dawning awareness of her sexuality, more so because of what has happened now at the school. She isn't sure what the rules of the temple are, or even what she herself feels, and although she had prayed during the shooting, she has not done so since. She stands awkwardly, and when Puck touches her shoulder, she slips her arm through his, leaning into him as his arm circles her shoulders. She notices that his head is bowed, that he seems to be praying too, but she keeps hers lifted, watching.

Eventually Rachel opens her eyes, lifts her head and wipes away her tears. Her eyes roam around the humble place of worship and remembers when she first met Puck there when they were children. Standing up she goes to both Santana and Puck and wraps her arms around them only to have Puck hold her tightly to him.

"Thank you.. for.. bringing me here," she whispered.

There was some clarity in her mind but it wasn't nearly enough for her to feel normal again. It was just enough for her to realize that she needed to come more often when it was empty.

Santana lifts one arm to wrap around Rachel, the other still wound around Puck. Puck squeezes them both, his touch gentle, and he kisses Rachel's head, then after a few moments, Santana's too.

"No problem…say the place to go, and I play chaffuer or whatever," he said, shrugging. Another pause, and he says gruffly but with sincerity, "What happened…it's really fucked up, and I'm just glad you're both here."

Santana swallows, her grip on them both tightening, but she says nothing. She hasn't spoken since leaving the school, and she feels little sense of peace now. Standing here in a place of worship has only made her feel hollow, for what is there for her to believe in now? What does she worship, if anything? How could any God allow this to have happened?

Part of her still believed that everything that had happened, all the suffering she and the others were going through, was punishment of a kind for herself, maybe for them too. And what kind of God would do that to her? No matter how horrible she had been?

Rachel held onto them both as though her life depended on it. In other circumstances she would have gone to Finn for help but Santana was the only one who got it and Puck he was just there but it was strangely comforting. She wasn't entirely sure what to believe anymore or why everything happened the way it did but she had to just keep going, somehow. It was sink or swim and she was in the middle, caught in a rip tide going nowhere.

"Home?" She asked, her gaze set on Santana wondering where she wanted to be considering they had missed school now.

Santana didn't want to go home. She didn't want to see her mother's disappointment and sympathy and hear her father's disappointment in her, his insistence that tomorrow would be different and she would complete the whole day. She didn't want to go anywhere, even to Rachel's home, because her fathers might mention to her parents she was there. Instead, she looked to Puck, hoping he'd offer elsewhere. Clueless, he shrugged, looking at Rachel.

"If that's where you wanna be."

Rachel bit her lip nervously, she knew only one of her dads would be home but would he pass on information that they were there? She wasn't sure. But she didn't know where else they could go. Puck on the other hand had an idea.

"What about the lake? I can stay with you and make sure you're both safe."

Santana looked at Rachel, checking with her what she thought, and then back at Puck. She could think of no better idea, and she always did like the lake. Maybe it would be okay. Maybe, if it was even possible, sort of fun, even.

"Okay," she gave her approval. "I guess so."

Rachel just nodded and let Puck lead his way back to his truck. Getting into the back again she slumped down into the seat. She was physically and emotionally exhausted and just needed to rest her eyes. As they headed to the lake she shut her eyes and her breathing settled down entirely as she breathed slowly.

As Puck pulled in, Santana sits up, pulling away from Rachel. She had been sitting with her shoulder against hers, and now she tries to give her a smile as she gets out. So many memories here with Brittany and Quinn, with Puck, and usually it makes her smile to come here. Today though she is quiet, glancing at the two of them.

Getting out of the truck she looked out at the park as Puck's hand found it's way into hers giving it a reassuring squeeze. There isn't much to say, he's there and he's being an amazing moral support but Rachel still felt so lost and confused. Heading towards the lake she found a spot where Finn had taken her on a date once when they were together and sat down there. Her fingers fiddled with her gold star necklace and sat there staring out at the water with the sun light flickering off of it.

Santana slowly walks forward towards the water, coming to a stop at its edge. She feels okay at the moment, safe, to separate from Rachel, and she is fairly assured that Rachel is safe too, with Puck there watching. As she looks out across the water, she finds her thoughts drifting back to earlier memories there, swimming with her friends, tanning with Quinn and Brittany, making out in the water with Puck. Even throughout this year, she and Puck have made out and even had a quickie once, right here at this lake, as recently as a few weeks ago. Their relationship is not exactly what could be technically called one, first because of Puck, then because of Santana, and she knows that it's not really him, but Brittany, she wants. But as she looks at the water, the nostalgia she feels for a time even a few weeks ago is strong, and she bites her lip, crossing her arms.

This isn't right. She should be skipping school to go swimming here, not to watch Rachel pray at temple and sit. She should be teasing Puck now with her body, writhing on him and making sure everyone knew how much she supposedly liked him. She should be making Brittany piggyback her in her bikini and splashing water on Quinn, she should be dancing to lame music and having the time of her life. She's sixteen and she already wonders if any of that will happen again.

She's sixteen, and instead of any of that, she's standing with utter seriousness with a girl she's supposed to hate and the boy she's supposed to love, neither label which is strictly true, trying to feel nothing.

Puck stood by them both and pulled Rachel back up to her feet. She leaned heavily against him, entirely lacking any signs of life in her eyes. She was numb and stuck in a void of confusion. He could tell something wasn't right with either of them and grabbed a rock for Rachel. Sitting it in the palm of her hand she closed her hand around it when she noticed a weight sitting there. With a little help she skimmed the rock across the water and watched as it inevitably sank.

What was she doing? She was meant to hate Santana and her and Puck were meant to act like they didn't go to temple each week and sit side by side throughout the service each week. Instead she was with two people who were meant to be people she disliked finding some kind of solace in them both and pondering her future and the world and humanity in general. With each rock pressed into her palm she continued skimming them, getting better with each one but her eyes only lit up when they would sink into the water.

Santana flinches at the first rock being thrown past her, her head whipping around, but when she sees that Rachel is skimming rocks, she gives a small twitch of a smile and steps back, even with them, watching her. After a few moments she picks up a rock and skims it over the surface, more practiced than Rachel. Puck joins in, and the three continue to do so quietly for a few minutes before Santana stops.

The normal thing to do, she knew, would probably be to go to Puck and ask him to hold her, or to guide him into sitting down and sitting on his lap. Kissing him, asking to be kissed by him, those were all probably what she should be doing. But she has no desire for that. Should he initiate, she probably wouldn't say no, but he doesn't ask, and so she doesn't try.

When Santana joined in Rachel offered her a small ghost of a smile and watched as all three of their rocks skimmed across the water. But when she stops she too drops her last rock and goes over to Santana, slipping her hand into Santana's and giving it a gentle squeeze. A part of her thought that the only way they were going to get through everything was to support each other and try to be the strength they both needed.

"Nothing feels the same anymore. School is just this awful place… Nothing feels safe," she whispered as Puck looked at her with worry in his eyes.

Santana nodded, squeezing Rachel's hand back. She doesn't want to talk about it out loud. She doesn't want to talk about it, period; this is why she has been so uncharacteristically quiet. Every time she's made to talk about it, every time someone talks about it with her, it feels so wrong and unnatural to her that it normally panics her, so it seems best for her not to talk about it at all. Exactly the opposite of what her father expects.

"Want me to be your bodyguard? Special ops, at your service," Puck offers, joking, but he seemed partly serious too as he flexed his muscles, trying to make them smile. "No one messes with these babies."

But this isn't funny to Santana. She's seen football players as big or bigger than him, down with a single shot. How could anyone really ever be safe?

Rachel stared at Puck slack jawed but she knew he was being serious when he nodded. "Noah," she whispered as her grip tightened on Santana's hand.

He wasn't taking no for an answer though and she could see it in his eyes.

"It's settled, I'm walking you both to classes and picking you up for them. If you wanna leave text me and I'll take you," he said firmly, to which Rachel just nodded and gave him a small smile.

Santana smiled at him, somewhat forced at first, then more genuine. Normally she would have a sarcastic comment to add to this, but today she is just relieved, even touched by the offer. She knows the old Santana would either give him a playful push or a hug and a kiss, and yet she doesn't even have the energy lately to pretend to flirt or be attracted to him. She finally stretches slightly to kiss his lips, without tongue, and is thankful when he only returns her kiss in kind, not trying for more, and pats her back.

"Hey," he said more seriously, one hand on Santana's back, the other touching Rachel's shoulder. "What happened, it was messed up. Shoulda been me in there, I'm the one who's always in detention. Shouldn't have been either of you. I should've been there, and…you're my girls, you know? So…that's how it is."

Her mind was too preoccupied with thoughts of returning to school. When Puck spoke she looked up at him and shrugged.

"No one should have had to go through that..."

The memories hit her hard and fast, and her breathing began to change, almost out of control as she pictured again the blood blossoming over student's bodies, spilling out onto the floor.

Santana frowned, seeing Rachel's change in expression, and squeezed her hand. She rocked it slightly, talking to her.

"Hey…we're all right. We're at the lake. We're okay."

Feeling Santana's hand in her own and hearing her voice made her close her eyes and take a deep breath.

"We're okay." She repeated before looking at them both.

Turning away she yelled, "it's not fucking fair." She wasn't yelling it at them but more so at the world.

Santana's eyes widen at this; she isn't used to hearing Rachel Berry swearing. She herself has not yet vented anger towards what has happened; in fact, she hasn't felt anger. All she has felt is fear and grief. But watching Rachel stirs something in her, and she nods, then picks up a rock, hurling it into the water as far as she can. She reaches for another, then another, and joins Rachel in shouting.

"Fuck!"

When Santana started throwing rocks and joined in on the shouting Rachel kept going.

"Fucking sick asshole," she screamed into the empty area while hurling her own rock at the water.

"I hate you!" Santana shrieks, throwing rocks as fast as she can pick them up now. Her chest is heaving, her throws becoming wild, but she continues, needing to do this, needing to get this out. "I hate you, fucking hate you, how the fuck can you do this, I hate you, hate you!"

She continues throwing rocks, her yells becoming wordless, and as Puck stands back, watching, then starts to throw some rocks of his own, without yelling, she gradually winds herself down. There are tears streaming down her cheeks, and her arms are shaking, but somehow, it feels better.

Rachel continued throwing rocks and cursing as loudly as possible. When she finally calmed down she looked over at Santana and started laughing.

"That felt good," she said with a small smile lighting up her features.

Santana gives her a returning brief smile, glad to see Rachel looking happier. She wipes at her cheeks, then nods, taking a deep breath.

"Yeah…it did."

Puck is still keeping his distance, as though expecting them to keep going, but seeing them smile, he throws one last rock, then smiles back. "We done attacking the lake?"

Rachel was switching between euphoria and anger and everything in between. "Careful, you might get a rock thrown at you Noah."

Puck raised his eyebrows but laughed at her, coming over and ruffling her hair. "Angry women trynna bruise me up…hot."

Santana rolled her eyes at him, but she's smiling too. He reaches for her, tugging lightly at her hair.

"You okay?"

She's not, but she feels more okay right now than she has in days. So she nods slightly, then reaches to knuckle his shoulder.

"You throw like a girl."

Rachel smacked away his hand and pouted when he had ruffled her hair.

"You're still an ass, Noah," she said but obviously she was only teasing.

Seeing Santana smiling was like heaven on earth for Rachel and she wasn't entirely sure why but she liked it. "That was actually kind of.. therapeutic.. better than sitting in a therapists office."

"I'm not doing it again," Santana said immediately, her voice hardening. "Sitting in that woman's office while she tries to make me talk. No one can make me talk. I don't want to, and I'm not going to, and that's all."

"Whoa, so the day has come where Lopez don't got nothing to say?" Puck teased, but his voice is gentle, and he's watching her closely.

He takes a fistful of Santana's hair, tugging again lightly as he looks down at her.

"Look, 'Tana. You do what you gotta do. You want to hit stuff, I got a punching bag and huge pecs too. You wanna throw some more rocks, go for it. You scream and bawl or whatever…'s ok, I can take it. You obviously wanna hang on Rach and that's cool too, even if I gotta say it's weird as hell, kinda. But it's cool. Do what you need and don't worry about what other people say, 'cause they don't matter."

He looks at Rachel then. "You too. Do what you gotta."

Rachel nodded and rested her hand on Santana's shoulder. She understood exactly how she felt and how it felt to be talked to like they've experienced it too. Looking up at Puck she just nodded before dropping her hand and walking over to a tree that Finn had carved their names into, lightly touching the bark and trying to wrap her head around everything that was going on in the world and the fact that school shootings were so common and nothing was being done about it.

Santana watches Rachel walk away, seeing her trace the tree. The only thing they have to be grateful for, she guesses, is that none of their close friends had been hurt or killed. She couldn't have taken it if it had been someone she cared about, someone she loved. She's barely taking it now.

Somehow, it's too hard to be around most people now; Brittany makes her feel so sad for the way things used to be versus how they are now that she can barely stand to look at her, as much as she loves her, to see the sadness Brittany feels by seeing Santana so sad.

Turning around Rachel looks at Puck and Santana as she sinks down to the ground, there was no energy left in her body anymore and all she wanted was to go one night without waking up.

"You two are the only people I've spoken to this much. Kurt can't get a word out and Finn seems too scared to say anything," she admitted.

"Haven't said much, Rach. I ain't gonna write a book over it, but if you wanna talk, I'll listen or whatever."

But despite this, Santana knows what she means. It's not about talking…it's about being. Being comfortable with Rachel, comforted by her, and surprisingly, she is with Puck as well, though not quite as much. Rachel makes her feel secure and understood; Puck makes her feel physically safe.

"It's not it, it's just talking in general. Feeling comfortable. I love Kurt, he's been my best friend for years and now I clam up around him."

Santana shrugged, not wanting to analyze this. After a few moments, she reaches out for Rachel's hand, squeezing, and then back for Puck's too. he looks at her in surprise, but squeezes, rubbing his thumb over its back in a surprisingly sweet gesture.

"We're fucked up, and this is crazy," she said bluntly. "But I'll take it."

Rachel looked between them both as she squeezed Santana's hand in return. "I will too." she said softly before kissing Santana's cheek without a seconds hesitation. "I'm glad you're both here."

"Ew," Santana teased, wiping at her cheek, but she is smiling, and she doesn't let go of Rachel's hand. "I'll tolerate you, Berry."

Puck smirked at both of them, then gave them both a deliberately sloppy kiss on the cheek. "Gotta get in on the action!"

"You better," Rachel said teasingly. When Puck kissed their cheeks she laughed and pushed him away. "Don't be gross, Noah." She said with a soft laugh falling from her lips.

"That's asking him to stop existing, pretty much," Santana rejoined, but she wraps her arm through his, leaning back, still holding Rachel's hand. And for those few minutes, she can almost say she feels okay.


	6. Chapter 6

If she was honest with herself, Santana wasn't sure what the hell she was doing.

Well, she knew what she was doing, obviously, in the strictly literal sense. She was in Puck's bedroom, more specifically, in his bed, and she was kissing him, with their usual wrestling of control for whose tongue would dominate, with their usual occasional clashing of teeth as they attempted to settle into a smooth rhythm that was more frequently overtaken by Puck's impatient hormones and Santana's haste to get it over with, her efforts to show aggression and blatant pleasure, whether or not she felt either. She was letting Puck run his hands up her sides and then through her hair, his fingers twining in her long locks as he kissed down her jaw and throat towards her collar bone and upper chest. She was scraping her nails down his back, occasionally giving a loud groan in response to his touch when it seemed appropriate and trying to take some satisfaction from his answering grunts and groans. This was all very familiar, almost automatic.

She had thought this would make things better, easier for her; she had thought she could, by doing the same things she had done before the shooting, in the same way, with the same person, feel like she herself was that person again. She had thought she could distract herself, give herself at least a degree of pleasure and enjoyment through someone else's attention- the RIGHT person's attention. Not Rachel's, not Brittany's, not her mother's, but Puck's, who was supposed to sort of be her boyfriend. Puck was supposed to be the person she went to in order to feel good, Puck was supposed to be the person she went to for comfort and distraction. Puck was supposed to be the one occupying her thoughts all day long- not Brittany, as it had been before, or Rachel, as it sort of was now.

So she had gone to him, noticing that her mother seemed rather pleased at her announcement that she was going to hang out with him. Her mother had been increasingly concerned about her frequent time with Rachel, and seemed to take it as a sign that Santana was healing that she now was going to Puck's instead. It might be easier in the future if she just lied and said she was going to Puck's instead of Rachel's when she felt like it, but for now, Santana merely found it ironic that her mother seemed happy at the implication that her teenage daughter was going to her boyfriend's to possibly have sex.

So Santana had showed up at Puck's door, asking him for his best efforts at distraction, and Puck had been more than willing to oblige. But now, in the supposed heat of the moment, when she should have been focused on nothing but feeling good, she isn't feeling good at all. In fact, she can barely concentrate on Puck, even with her mouth attached to his. Instead, she is thinking about Rachel. Wondering what she's doing, if she's missed any texts or calls from her. Wondering if Rachel is still dating Finn, something she hasn't asked her- NOT because she doesn't want to know, but because she's just not interested. Or so she tells herself. Wondering what Rachel would think if she knew that their new apparent bodyguard was on the verge of having sex with her, right this second. Wondering if Rachel would be disgusted, or if she would just-

Oh hell no, what the hell was wrong with her for the images coming to her mind? This was SO wrong, and god she had to get it out, now.

Without any verbal communication, Santana took hold of Puck's head and began to push it downward, towards her crotch, making clear to him what she wanted. It wasn't the first time, but this time, she really needed it, and Puck, understanding, began to remove her underwear from beneath her dress, one hand already caressing her upper thigh. And when he began to work to pleasure her, Santana felt herself tensing up, almost pushing him away- until thoughts of Rachel came back to mind.

When she realized what it was she was imagining, who it was that was finally beginning to help her loosen up and get off, Santana was so horrified that she gasped aloud, the tone clearly not one of pleasure any longer. Even Puck could tell the difference, and when he pulled out from her, he was frowning, searching her face.

"'Tana, you okay?"

Santana tried to neutralize her face as she nodded, but she couldn't seem to find words to match her assertion, and she knew from his expression that she must not look very convincing. Still frowning, Puck sat up, then reached to cover her with her dress again before cupping her cheek gently, in a rather unusual fashion for the two of them.

"Hey. If you're not into it or not ready, it's cool. We don't gotta do anything. You know that, right?"

And why the hell did he have to be so gentle, so…un-Puck about this? Why did he have to look at her like he actually cared?

"No, it's fine. You just hit me wrong," Santana insisted, shaking her head. "Go on, what are you waiting for?"

But Puck kept looking at her, and his hand never drifted downward again. Instead, he lay down, then, with a tug at her shoulders, pulled Santana down beside him, close to his chest. With his arms lightly around her, he held her, kissing her temple before resting his cheek against the top of her head.

Lying in his arms, Santana was sure he could hear how fast her heart was beating, was paranoid that he could somehow know her every thought. And way more often than she wanted, her thoughts kept drifting back to Rachel

88

**Text: Puckleberry**

**Puck:**Hey Rach sup

**Rachel:**Hey.

**Puck:**Can I talk to you?

**Rachel:**Yeah of course. What's up?

**Puck:**Cool.

**Puck:**Idk...is San ok?

**Puck:**I mean not, I know

**Puck:**But is she?**  
>Rachel:<strong>I think so.

**Rachel:**Has she been acting weird?

**Puck:**Well, yeah

**Puck:**no offense but she's all over u, u know?

**Puck:**i mean its cool but its san, so, weird

**Puck:**and shes kinda weird with sex stuff

**Puck:**hey u aint gonna tell i said r u **  
>Rachel:<strong>I won't say a thing.

**Rachel:**She's struggling, Noah. She was so scared that day and I just think that maybe we both need each other right now.

**Rachel:**Don't be worried that she seems so off, her mind is off in another world.

**Puck:**so...should i just...not ****

**Rachel:**Just be there for her, try to get her to open up but maybe hang off on the uh.. sex stuff.

**Puck:**Well she said she wanted

**Puck:**i sort of dont do the talk thing that great

**Puck:**what am I supposed to say?

**Puck:**how bout this. so tana you prob think about that asshole a lot and think about bloody bodys or w/e but im not scared cuz i can totally kick his ass so

**Puck:**sound ok? **  
>Rachel:<strong>No, god no. Don't.. don't bring that up.

**Rachel:**Just watch a movie or something that doesn't have any guns in it, play a board game, whatever. Just take it at her pace and don't bring it up.

**Puck:**we never did that before

**Puck:**i guess try or w/e

**Puck:**do u not wanna do it w/ hudson either now?

**Puck:**cuz of it? **  
>Rachel:<strong>Finn and I aren't together and we never.. you know.

**Rachel:**Just be gentle with her.

**Puck:**oh, srsly?

**Puck:**dude slow on draw

**Puck:**k... ill try. san never was rlly gentle type bfore though

**Puck:**ill try tho. cuz idk, i think i like her

**Puck:**like i liked shes hot but now idk

**Puck:**weird**  
>Rachel:<strong>Yep and yep.

**Rachel:**She's different now, she's still that tough girl on the inside but it's going to take a bit to bring it back out fully. Just be there for her without mentioning it.

**Puck:**k ill try

**Puck:**thnx

**Puck:**u ok?

**Puck:**we could keep hangin u and me and san

**Puck:**wanna talk or something?

**Rachel:**I don't know what there is to talk about anymore. Everything's a mess, Finn can barely look at me and I can't get any of it out of my head.

**Puck:**i thought ur not w/ him

**Puck:**maybe it would help to drink at night?

**Rachel:**I'm not but I don't know.. some foolish part of me thought he cared still.

**Rachel:**Drinking isn't my thing.

**Puck:**i could ask or w/e

**Puck:**hm. sex could help too **  
>Rachel:<strong>No. It's fine.

**Rachel:**Oh really?

**Puck:**he's dumb so

**Puck:**you can get a better guy

**Puck:**or lady, w/e floats your remote

**Puck:**yep bc the chemistry stuff or somethin

**Puck:**makes u feel good. science

**Rachel:**It's float your boat, Noah.

**Rachel:**But sure, whatever.

**Puck:**k ill try that stuff w/ san

**Puck:**srsly tho let me know if u need anything

88

Calls

**Santana:**(dials, hands shaking, eyes open wide, breath coming in gasping spurts)

**Rachel:**(seeing Santana's name showing up on her phone all thoughts of everything else are immediately forgotten as she picks up.) Santana?

**Santana:**(for a few minutes, can't talk; sobbing and gulping for breath, making soft whimpering noises into the phone) Are you...are you okay... **  
>Rachel:<strong>(waiting patiently she keeps the phone close to her ear and closes her eyes) I'm okay, San. Are you alright?

**Santana:**(sniffling, still breathing audibly) I...I dreamed you weren't... **  
>Rachel:<strong>Shh, it's okay. I'm okay. Just take some deep breaths for me.

**Santana:**(trying to comply, still giving off a brief sob occasionally) I want...I need to see. I n-need to see you. **  
>Rachel:<strong>Come on over then... I can let you in.

**Santana:**Okay...okay...

88  
>Rachel was concerned by Santana's call. She wanted to protect Santana the best that she could. There was this genuine pull pulling her towards the girl wanting to protect her and hold her close as much as physically possible. She craved her touch, the feel of Santana's hand in her own and she craved being held in her arms. She needed her with an intensity she couldn't understand.<p>

She went to go downstairs but heard her dads were both still awake. Grabbing out her phone she sent a text to Santana telling her to come around the side to her bedroom window and that if she was confident enough she could climb in through her window. She waited until she heard a noise outside before opening her window and smiling when she saw Santana down on the ground.

It had taken Santana some time to pull herself together enough to be able to get out of the house, to her car, and drive herself to Rachel's, and even so it had been difficult. She had been still sometimes shivering hard enough that she had to grip the steering wheel tightly to avoid swerving off the road, and she was having a hard time stopping herself from bursting into tears sporadically. She can't stop thinking about her nightmare, about watching Rachel's chest blossom blood as she slumped against Santana in the closet, watching the gun then point directly at her own head. She can't shake it off, and she needs so badly then to see Rachel, to know for a fact it's not true.

When she finally pulls in and comes around to Rachel's window as instructed, she immediately feels a little better when she sees the girl through the window. She pulls herself up with still shaking arms and drops inside, then reaches out for her.

The moment that Santana was inside her room Rachel wrapped her arms tightly around her and kissed the side of her head without even thinking about it.

"We're okay," she whispered as she gently rubbed her back. She hated seeing Santana so shaken up but she knew the feeling, she had nightmares of her own and all she could do was hold onto hope that this too would pass.

As soon as Santana feels Rachel's arms around her, her shaking stops. She grips her tightly, burying her face in her shoulder, and thins her lips, trying to make sure she won't get emotional again even as she accepts this comfort.

"You were dead," she whispered to her, swallowing. "He found us in the closet and…" she trailed off, squeezing Rachel harder and breathing in her scent. "I just…I had to know you were okay."

Listening to Santana made her heart break but she knew that it could have very well been a possibility.

"I'm okay, San." She held her tightly to her. "We're both going to be okay."

Santana nodded slowly against Rachel's shoulder, then pulls back just enough so she can go to her bed. She lays down, automatically reaching out for Rachel and pulling her down to lay with her. Curling in against her, she is quiet for a while before before speaking again.

"I don't know what I would do if something happened to you now."

Rachel didn't hesitate to climb into bed with Santana and curled up with her, holding onto her tightly and relaxing a little more.

"You'll never have to find out."

Rachel rubbed her back, hoping that she would calm down soon. Santana does become calm. Closing her eyes, she rests her face against Rachel, in between the crook of her shoulder and neck, her breathing slowing. The girl's arms around her, her hands stroking her back are soothing in a way nothing else is now. It doesn't matter that Puck's arms are more solid, stronger and larger, that in all actuality, he is the one who could best protect her from harm. It was Rachel she felt safest with, and it was Rachel she needed to go to most.

Without thinking about it, Santana pressed a kiss into the hollow of Rachel's throat, not far from where her lips had been originally. She kissed it again, then her lips traveled over Rachel's collarbone, her brain still delayed to exactly what she was doing.

Rachel was lost in a world where holding Santana was the only thing she wanted to do, it had been the only thing she had wanted to do. Puck wasn't even on her mind or Finn or anything other than Santana. But when Santana kissing the hollow of her throat something happened deep within her that she hadn't ever experienced before when anyone else had kissed that same spot then it happened again and again and there was a trail burning from Santana's kisses and even though she was caught off guard she was finding herself enjoying it more than she ever thought possible. Her heart was racing in a good way for once and all she could think about was the way it would feel to have Santana's lips pressed against her own.

Santana's lips slowly mark a trail back up Rachel's collar bone and then up her neck, across her jawline. She is lifted slightly off Rachel now to have better access, one arm rising to partly support herself as she comes closer and closer with her mouth to Rachel's. When she finally kisses Rachel on the mouth, it is gentle, soft, even tentative, barely more than a brush.

The anticipation of their lips meeting continued building up with the trail leading towards her own lips. She had had little dreams of this before but she thought it was nothing more than some random dream but now she knew she wanted it and needed it more than anything she needed before. When their lips met her eyes fell shut and she returned the soft kiss, her fingers had slipped upwards from Santana's back and into her hair, lighting tangling in the long locks not wanting her to be too far away. There was something there and it was more than just the need to feel safe, it was much deeper than that.

Santana actually hears herself moan softly when Rachel kisses her back, and when the girl's fingers twine in her hair, she shifts, now lying half over Rachel, the weight of her body beneath hers sending a thrill up her spine. She deepens the kiss, closing her eyes, her free hand stroking up Rachel's arm, and for a few moments, there is nothing in her mind but a sense of contentment and pleasure.

And then her brain kicks in and ruins it all. What the hell is she doing? This is a girl…this is RACHEL. This is Rachel Berry, and she's kissing her on the LIPS!

Santana breaks away abruptly, releasing her hold so quickly she almost tumbles off the bed when she rolls off her. Eyes wide, she shakes her hands, as though to shake off Rachel's touch, and then shakes her head too.

Rachel welcomed Santana's body on top of her own and their kiss deepened. It was something she had been craving without even knowing she was craving it. What happened next was completely unexpected though and she forced herself out of her daze to make sure Santana was alright.

"San?" She asked as she sat up and bit her lip nervously. "Are you alright?"

Santana shakes her head vehemently, although this is not strictly an answer to Rachel's question. She in fact barely hears the girl over the screaming of her own thoughts.

"I don't do that with girls!" she blurted, although this is not strictly true. She's done this with Brittany plenty, though she's always managed to tell herself it was due to "practice" or being drunk or…sleep-stroking. "I'm with Puck. I like Puck, okay? I don't do this with you, I do it with him."

But when she tries to say she loves him, she can't even make herself say the word. She does love Puck, in her way…kind of like she might love a brother, if she would sleep with a brother all the time. But she doesn't love him the way she would be trying to tell Rachel, and she can't say the words.

Rachel sighed heavily and gently took Santana's hands into her own.

"Santana, it's okay. No one has to know what just happened and just so you know, it's okay to like what you like. People may not agree but they can't tell you who you are," she said softly as her eyes stared into Santana's.

Santana ripped her hands away, scooting away from Rachel on the bed. She is still shaking her head, even harder now as she stares at her, near panic-stricken.

"I don't LIKE anything! Except boys, and kissing boys, and making out with boys, and sex with boys, I like boy parts and boy lips and boy penis, okay?! And maybe I called you Man Hands or Treasure Trail or Rupaul but those did NOT make you suddenly sprout a penis last I checked, so I did NOT just do that with you, it was an accident. I was…sleepy, and it was an accident, got it? I don't LIKE you."

Listening to Santana she felt her heart break a little bit even though she continued telling herself it shouldn't hurt to hear those things. "Yeah.. okay." She sighed and got up, heading into her bathroom and locking the door behind her. Right now she needed to be alone to take a breather and calm herself down. Turning the tap on she quickly washed her face and told herself to snap out of it and that it never going to mean anything.

Santana should be glad Rachel's leaving. It would give her a few minutes to calm down, compose, and to reaffirm to herself that she absolutely was NOT wanting to do any further touching or kissing, not like THAT. She must truly be still half asleep, that was the only answer.

And yet Rachel leaving the room did nothing to calm her pounding heartbeat or the panic still striking against her chest and pulsing through her veins. And she swore she could still feel the other girl's fingers on her skin, her lips against her mouth…


	7. Chapter 7

Inside the bathroom Rachel stared at her reflection, her fingertips tracing the path that Santana's lips had trailed along her skin. There was no denying that there was something there on her part at least and she was still tingling a little from it all. Eventually she ended up sitting on the floor and staring at the door wondering what Santana was thinking and if this was all just something she had made up in her head.

Santana wanted Rachel back in the room. The more she tried to deny this to herself, the more obvious it became. She wanted her, and that was becoming such a distraction she was considering just going into the bathroom with her and pulling her out. But how could she do that, and make it look like she couldn't stand for a minute apart from her, after KISSING her?

She debated this for several minutes, repeatedly smoothing her hands on her thighs, and then finally called out, "What, did you drown in there?"

Hearing Santana calling out to her she slowly pushed the door open and shook her head.

"Nope," she mumbled while wrapping her arms around herself and going to sit on the edge of her bed. All she was fully aware of was the fact that she wanted Santana, she wanted to experience everything with and she was dying to kiss her again. She hadn't been attracted to a girl before but she didn't care in that moment, she wasn't going to deny herself what she wanted the most.

Santana, on the other hand, is in denial city. All this time she's been separated, her mind has been on overdrive, working feverishly to try to explain to herself why it is that she has just done as she's done. The only explanation she can come up with is a weak one, but she clings to it. She has simply half brainwashed herself, by hugging and holding hands with and sleeping in the same bed as Rachel so much. She's not really gay, and she really doesn't like Rachel like that. She's just overstimulated.

"I think mami and papi are right," she blurted. "We're spending too much time together and getting too dependent."

It hurts to even say that to Rachel. She can feel her chest tighten at the thought of walking away right now, and even now she wants to lay back down with her and cuddle up. But she obviously can't handle that without losing it, can she?

Rachel couldn't bring herself to look at Santana as she spoke. What was she supposed to say to that? How was she meant to react after everything that had unfolded in the space of half an hour? Was she meant to be happy that Santana said all those things and made her feel awful? Was she supposed to rejoice when she said that all four of their parents had basically all said the same thing and been right? She didn't know what to say or do or even if she wanted to say anything. The biggest thing she wanted was to fall asleep feeling safe and protected instead of waking up in a cold sweat, panicking and unable to breathe. But she couldn't make Santana do anything she didn't want to do and she just needed to suck it up and put on a brave face like she was trying to do for everyone else too.

Rachel isn't saying anything? Why isn't Rachel saying anything? Does she agree? Does she secretly think that Santana has been pushing this on them all along? After all, hadn't Santana been the one calling her crying, isn't she the one who climbed in through her window and threw herself onto Rachel in the first place?

Or is she so hurt she can't trust herself to speak?

Santana doesn't want to look at her. She trains her eyes on a spot just past Rachel as she continues, "I should probably be spending more time with Puck. Since he's my boyfriend." She and Puck have never at any point in time defined themselves as boyfriend and girlfriend, but it seems like a good idea to say that now. "We should be…we should get over this."

Then why does it feel to her like she's about to cut off her own arms and legs?

Those next words out of Santana's mouth leave her crippled, breathless and like there was something so heavy sitting on her shoulders that she couldn't move at all. Instead silent tears fall down her cheeks and she's holding herself tighter than ever before not caring about the dull ache in her ribs.

"Do what you have to," she mumbled even though the shakiness in her voice gave away the fact that she was crying and verging on a meltdown. She wasn't sure how to handle any of this or even what to label herself now but she was trying so hard to be strong for everyone that it was starting to take it's toll on her entirely.

Santana didn't want to look at her, god, did she not. But she could hear Rachel's voice shake, and it doesn't take a psychic reading to know she must be upset .Hell, she's upset herself and she's the one saying this. Her stomach is flipping inside out, her hands are shaking, and she still doesn't want to see her. At all.

But she can tell Rachel's crying. She knows it, and it's bringing her close to tears herself. Fiercely she bites the inside of her cheeks, rebuking herself, because she knows she's being totally ridiculous. She doesn't like Rachel, not like that. She can survive without sharing a bed with her and calling her on the phone and…

But she doesn't want to. She doesn't WANT to, and that's what scares her.

"Don't do this." Rachel whispered after a few minutes of total silence passed between the two of them. Her voice was pleading and almost desperate because she knew she couldn't sleep without Santana anymore and that scared her. All of it did but she knew that trying to exist without Santana there would be incredible difficulty and she couldn't go on like normal or go back to Finn, who didn't seem to be able to say anything to her now.

"Please? I don't know what's going on but I can't.. the thought of.. being without you.. it's.. it's terrifying." She felt weak saying it but it was the truth, she couldn't do it alone.

It's terrifying for Santana too. It has her nearly in tears just thinking about it, but that isn't normal. It can't be normal, can it? It has to be more than just what they went through together…isn't that pretty freaking gay?

It's the first time she's let herself think the word, and immediately fear rises up to choke her throat at the thought. She shakes her head, more to herself than Rachel, and barely manages her next words.

"I'm not like that. I'm not. I'm not DOING that."

"You don't have to, I won't make you do anything," Rachel said in a broken whisper.

She wasn't sure what it was but she felt so broken and lost in that moment, like she lost who she was in a short amount of time. It was terrifying...she just wanted to sleep. Without thinking about it she laid down on the bed under the covers and held the other side open for Santana.

"Just rest for now."

She shouldn't stay. She should run like hell, if she at all wants to preserve who she thinks she should be. She should never come into this house again, let alone this bed. But Santana doesn't want to. She doesn't want to slip back through that window and drive back alone and get into her own bed. The thought is terrible, so she slowly slips beneath the covers and curls into a ball, faced away from Rachel, and tries to tell herself it means nothing at all.

The moment Santana was in bed with her, Rachel laid the blankets over her and curled up in the opposite direction. She knew she couldn't hold Santana like she wanted to and it hurt, but she had to let her figure everything out while she tried to do the same. Closing her eyes, she forced herself to try and sleep.

It takes Santana forever to fall asleep. When she awakens she is curled into Rachel despite her efforts to avoid it. Exhaling, she starts to pull away, but then lies there. She is tired and Rachel is too warm to protest.

The next morning Rachel woke up with the warm familiar arms of Santana wrapped around her and she sighed contently. Turning her head a little she smiled when she saw Santana was awake too.

"Morning," she mumbled, even though she was only half awake.

Santana mumbles somewhat incoherently and closes her eyes again, not so much because she's tired, but because she wants to pretend she is. Being excessively tired would excuse the fact that she's kind of awake but hasn't pulled away yet. She lets her head rest against Rachel's, listening to her breathing, and finds herself kind of hoping Rachel will kiss her head, as she's done so often lately, or play with her hair.

Rachel absentmindedly begins to gently run her fingers through Santana's hair, not caring about what they should or shouldn't be doing. She just needed to be close to her and feel like she wasn't about to just be left there in her little puddle of confusion and not be able to make sense of anything.

Santana's limbs relax a little more, and she gives a soft, involuntary groan as Rachel pets her hair, burying her face against the girl's shoulder. For a few minutes she lets her stroke her, soaking up the comforting feel, and doesn't pull away. When she finally speaks her voice is still muffled, clearly confused.

"Rachel…it's not right. What we're doing. We're not…like that."

Rachel ended up kissing the top of Santana's head and sighing contently as she let herself relax for a bit. But when Santana spoke she automatically held her a little tighter.

"We don't have to be… and whoever says that kiss was wrong is just… their opinion doesn't matter. But we can forget it happened if that's what you want."

Santana is silent, not lifting her face. She feels her muscles tense up again and tries to relax them, swallowing. Ten thousand conflicting thoughts seem to be going through her head at once, and she can't decide which to follow or believe.

This feels wrong in her heart and her head….but so right in her body. How can that all be true at once? And how can she not know if she wants to forget, or lift her head and kiss Rachel again?

"Let's just not talk about it," She said finally. "Tired. No."

**Texts ****️ Puckleberry**

**Puck:**hey, fellow hot jew. sup?

**Rachel:**Can I talk to you?

**Puck:**Yeah, ok. u alrite?

**Rachel:**So um.. I um.. I need you to look after Santana for me okay?

**Puck:**what? she ok?

**Puck:**whats wrong

**Puck:**u know i do that anyway, look out for her

**Rachel:**I think she's okay but um.. something happened the other night and I just need you to look after her. I'm going to go and see Finn for a bit..

**Puck:**huh what happened

**Puck:**doesnt sound alrite

**Puck:**do i need to go over cuz think her mom would be pissed

**Puck:**thought u werent w/ hudson?

**Rachel:**I swear to god if you tell anyone what I'm about to tell you you will never be able to get your balls on the outside of your body again. Am I clear?

**Rachel:**I'm not, I just need to talk to him.

**Puck:**dude, badass

**Puck:**ok swear

**Puck:**u ok?**  
>Rachel:<strong>Not a dude but I am a badass.

**Rachel:**I um.. Santana and I kissed and she freaked out and we agreed not to talk about it and I'm just.. I don't know what I am.

**Puck:**hot

**Puck:**u think hudsons gonna help u figure that out?

**Puck:**how am i supposed to take care of her? have sex w/ her so she knows if she is or not? cuz no way is she, not after what we've done **  
>Rachel:<strong>Shut up.

**Rachel:**He can help me forget and I promised I'd go see Carole today anyway.

**Rachel:**I don't know, Noah. Just figure something out and don't say a word of this to her. She just.. don't tell me about your sex life with her..

**Puck:**ok well...ok

88  
>Puck wasn't too sure what it was that Rachel wanted him to do for Santana. He knew the girl was struggling; hell, he could see it for himself, could feel it in her body every time he tried to touch her, even if she never said a word to describe what she was thinking or feeling. He was hardly an observant or sensitive guy in general, or at least, not without some effort on his part, but it would take a blind man not to see how Santana's eyes had grown grim and dark most of the time, to feel how tense her muscles were almost every time he touched her even in a platonic manner. The fact that she now was attached at the hip to Rachel Berry instead of Brittany Pierce was a mind trip in and of itself, and it spoke volumes about how messed up she must be in the head.<p>

Not that Puck had anything against Rachel. She had been kind of annoying, freshman and sophomore year, but they were juniors and he'd kinda got used to her, in Glee. And she was hotter than he'd thought at first. It was hard to make out with a girl a few times and not sort of develop a soft spot for her. Rachel had become one of his girls, somehow, and Puck would protect, defend, and look out for her, just like he would Quinn or Brittany or Santana.

Santana. Puck wasn't sure how or when it had happened, considering the original nature of their relationship, if it could even be called that…but somehow, she had got to him. Maybe it was because he'd had sex with her more often than the other girls he'd slept with, maybe because she was sort of similar to him in ways that could spark fights, but could also spark his appreciation for her wit and sarcasm and her sparky nature. Or maybe it was because now, after what she had been through, he was seeing a different side to her, a softer and needier side. It was strange, watching Santana admitting on a daily basis that she needed someone, that she was upset or scared, watching her reach out for people other than Brittany. It was kind of upsetting to see, because Puck didn't know what to do to make her feel better or safer, other than to try to physically be there. He could do that, make sure that she was physically okay, but how could he help her or Rachel feel safe from their memories?

Every day, Puck lived with a gnawing sense of guilt, an ever present conviction that he had somehow cheated fate. Things would be different, things would be right, he was sure, if it had been him in detention, like usual, that day, instead of Santana and Rachel. That just wasn't how it should have been. The only reason he hadn't been in detention was he had skipped half the days at school that week. Santana and Rachel, as far as he knew, had never been in detention in their lives. If they had been nowhere near the school, like they should have been, and he had been there instead, he could have stopped Tyler. He could have saved everyone, probably, or at least most of them. And Santana and Rachel never would have had to go through that at all. Somehow he felt like he had done them a wrong by not being there, and although he couldn't tell them that, he didn't couldn't help but feel it was true.

This gave him even more motivation to look out for them, to make sure that they were as okay as they could be, considering. If that meant walking them to class and sitting with them as much as he could, making sure that some of the idiots in school shut their mouths and left them alone, he'd do it without a second thought.

Especially for Santana. Because whether or not he understood it, Puck knew that the casual feelings of affection and lust he had had towards her before were becoming more complicated, deeper, and whether or not Santana returned them, he knew he was going to do right by her, the best he knew to.

He couldn't say he was totally shocked by Rachel's text, about Santana kissing her. Girls could only hang on each other like they had been so many times before it would turn into something else, was his opinion, and he was totally not against that. In fact, if they wanted to get up on each other in front of him, or possibly invite him to join, he could get on board with that, all the way. It's not like he hadn't seen Santana macking on Brittany at parties, when she was plastered out of her skull.

And Rachel was totally the type to blow things out of proportion. One kiss and Miss Melodrama probably thought she was halfway to being Ellen Degeneres or something. But if she wanted him to look after Santana, he could do that, no problem. He'd give her whatever she needed, if she'd let him.

The problem was, Santana didn't respond to his texts, or to his calls. Eventually Puck decided to just say to hell with it, and go to see her himself. He knew he couldn't ring the doorbell- if her abuela was over, or if her mami was in a mood, he'd get chewed out for even thinking he could go up to her bedroom alone with her, although it was way too late to preserve her chastity, if that was the goal. Instead he just came around the side of the house to her window, after parking a block down on the street, and knocked on the window gently, not wanting to scare her with the noise.

"San? It's me."

He heard her gasp loudly in response all the same, so he hastily lifted up the window and stuck his head inside, shushing her.

"San, it's all right, it's just me. Sorry. Can I come in?"

He waited for her small nod before pulling himself up, approaching her slowly and sitting on the edge of her bed. Santana was lying on her stomach, her head lifted up now as she blinked at him, and he could tell from the redness in her eyes that she had been crying recently and fairly hard. Puck's heart clinched uneasily, and he reached to ruffle her hair gently, then cupped her face with his hand.

"How's it going, Lopez?"

He watched her throat work as she swallowed, her eyes shift to the side, and her shoulders rose and fell before she pushed herself up to a sitting position. He saw the shift in her eyes and knew even before she spoke that some decision had just been made, even before she slowly straddled his lap, her arms locking around his neck.

"You're exactly what I've been hoping was gonna come walking through my door," she purred, but even as she spoke, Puck saw the strain in her eyes, heard the slight waver to her voice. "Hope you can be quiet, stud, 'cause I'm gonna wear you out all night long."

She almost attacked his mouth with hers then, hard, aggressive, almost as if she were trying to win a battle rather than to show mutual affection or passion. Puck kissed her back at first, but when Santana pushed her body into his, her nails scraping down his back, he was stricken by how cold her skin was, by how hard and fast he could feel her heart beating in her chest. And then he noticed she was shaking, even as she kissed him, that even when he wrapped his arms around her as support, he couldn't get her to warm up…it seemed that she was on the verge of tears.

Stricken, Puck tried to pull back from her, wanting to look her in the face. When Santana tightened her arms around him, trying to force him to continue, he gently held her back, his brow furrowing as he looked her in the face.

"'Tana. What are you doing?"

"What does it look like, I'm trying to get you off," she spat back, but there was still that shaking in her voice, the frequent shivering of her muscles beneath his hands. No, not shivers at all, but shaking…as though she were trying desperately to hold back a greater emotion, just beneath surface. "What, you don't want it? What's the matter, Puck, you don't like me anymore, you don't like sex? You're not gay, are you?"

But her voice cracks on the word gay, and tears fill her eyes. Without Puck understanding it at all, she is sobbing, her head bowing, shoulders slumping beneath his hands.

It is with complete confusion that Puck wraps his arms back around her, pulling her into his chest and holding her loosely yet protectively as Santana wept, her forehead pressed into his shoulder. He didn't try to say anything, completely certain that whatever he did say, it would be wrong.

What the hell was really up with her and Rachel? And how was he supposed to look out for her when he had not the faintest clue what she needed?


	8. Chapter 8

It had been a week since the night that changed how Rachel viewed her world, a week since Santana had kissed her and a week since her heart had been left bruised and confused. The day after she had gone and seen Finn and for hours she just laid in his bed with him wrapped up in the arms that were so familiar and so comforting but they just weren't Santana's. She thought that spending time with Finn would spark the love she had once felt for him but all she felt was confusion. She wanted it to be Santana holding her, Santana kissing her cheek or even Santana's hand grazing the side of her breast as her fingers ran down her side. But instead it was Finn and he had gone on about how he missed 'his' Rachel and how he just wanted to kiss her. Rachel being Rachel had thought it through and let him kiss her but there was nothing there for her and he had mentioned how distant she seemed.

Six days had passed since then and as she sat in the choir room in her usual position up the front she could feel that familiar pull to the brunette cheerleader up the back of the room and she was trying her best to ignore it with everything she had. She had barely spoken to Santana, in fact she had barely spoken to anyone. She hadn't sung in Glee Club since the day before the shooting and she wasn't sure if or when she would be able to sing again. But that was the least of her worries. When Mr. Schue asked her to sing she just shook her head and said Mercedes could have the solo before moving to the back of the room and sitting between Finn and Puck, needing to feel at least somewhat safe in the room and not so exposed.

Santana feels like she's losing her mind.

She's tried, really tried to stick with her own words and stop being so dependent on Rachel, to stop spending so much time with her. She's tried to think about her less and look at her less, and she doesn't go to her house or ask Rachel to come to hers. She's tried to spend more time with Brittany and Quinn and Puck, just like she feels like she should be, and to act normal, to act okay. She tries to pretend that the time with Rachel had been a weird phase and she really is back to normal now.

But she can't seem to form any mocking or negative words about the girl even inside her head. She can't laugh and joke like she used to with her friends, and she still wakes up shaking and often crying, wanting nothing more than Rachel near her. So many times she starts to reach for her phone to call or text her, and yet she doesn't…because Rachel hasn't for her, so how badly could she really want to spend time with her? What if SANTANA was the clingy one all along and Rachel was too kind to let her know?

The idea was horrifying, so Santana tried to de-Rachel her life. She hung out with Puck as much as she could and tried to distract herself by making out with him. Sometimes he was clueless enough to go with it, but sometimes he stopped her; he still hadn't had sex with her, despite her efforts, which was fairly amazing restraint on his part and an indication of just how clearly wrong she must be, for even he to not take her up on the offer. She tried to throw herself into loving him, or at least being attracted to him, wanting his body. But the most she could muster was being grateful that he was there, feeling safer, marginally, in his arms, and feeling stronger affection towards him for his shift in attitude towards her. She couldn't have hoped for him to be any nicer to her than he was, and it was more than she thought him capable of previously.

But not sitting next to Rachel in school, not walking with her in the halls without Puck in between, not talking to her or seeing her other than in the classroom felt like torture. She wanted so badly to see her and touch her and be held by her again, to know with certainty how Rachel was doing too…and that could NOT be normal, she knew it.

By the end of day six, at the end of Glee, Santana was so agitated she could barely remain in her seat. Rachel was in the row behind her, Santana sitting in between Brittany, who was stroking her hand through her dark ponytail absently, and Quinn. She should be satisfied with Brittany's soothing attention, and yet all she wanted to do was turn and stare…and she was dangerously close to tears for no reason at all.

Normally Rachel never refused to sing but she didn't have the strength emotionally or physically to sing in front of anyone or even sing in her shower. But as she sat there in Glee club looking at the back of Santana's head she felt herself crumbling as she leaned into Puck's side and he wrapped an arm around her promising it would be alright.

Half way through she couldn't sit there any longer without being close to Santana and jumped up from her seat with tears in her eyes. Kurt, Finn and Mercedes all looked at her but she didn't acknowledge them. With one glance at Santana she hoped she would be chased after and headed out into the hall, leaning against the wall which she eventually sank down at against in tears. She just wanted to feel safe again and feel normal with Santana there and not like she was about to lose her mind if she couldn't be with her.

Santana tried not to go after Rachel. She really did.

But the girl was crying, she was obviously upset or scared, and for the first time all week, she had looked at her, actually met her eyes, however briefly. It seemed to Santana an invitation, even a plea. For a few seconds she looked down, gripping the edge of her seat. She was somewhat aware of Puck watching her, starting to stand after a few moments, as though he were going to go after Rachel himself. Maybe he thought she wasn't going to. It was this gesture of his that was the final straw for her.

She didn't want Puck to go to Rachel. She wanted to go herself. So standing up so quickly she almost knocked into him, Santana nearly ran out of the room after Rachel. Seeing her crumpled on the floor, crying, Santana sat beside her automatically, not yet touching, but her fingers literally twitching with her urge to.

"Rachel," she managed through a very choked up throat. "Are you okay?"

Rachel was a crumpled mess on the floor as she cried, she hadn't expected to cry the way she was but everything was just too much. She was missing Santana and missing being able to feel so safe with the girl holding her hand and holding her close. "No." Was the only word out of her mouth, of course she wasn't okay. She didn't have the one person who made her feel like she had a place in the world or a safety net. She never felt safe and she was scared of something happening to Santana and not being there to look after her.

"I miss you." She blurted out.

She had known even when she asked, of course, that Rachel wasn't okay. It was obvious. Rachel Berry would never run out of GLEE of all places if she wasn't. She was crying as though her heart was breaking, and Santana didn't know what to do.

Six days ago she would have pulled her into her arms. But today she fights this urge, her hands literally shaking with their desire to touch Rachel. And when the girl tells her she misses her, she freezes, the already present lump in her throat choking her even more.

She missed Rachel too. So much she couldn't stand it most days, most moments. But she can't say that. She can't, and every reply she tries to come up with dies in her mouth before she can even start to say it at all. She doesn't realize she too has started to cry until she feels the first tear seep through her shirt to her skin.

Rachel felt so shattered after everything and she didn't quite understand it all. How had it gotten to that point? She didn't have any answers to the questions in her head, they were all distant answers waiting for her to reach out for them but she just couldn't. She couldn't gather to energy to go and find the answers she was looking for. Instead her mind was stuck on Santana and wanting to just be with her, the steal a kiss and to hide away in her arms yet none of that could happen. Even now as they sat side by side, their shoulders ever so lightly brushing against one another's she was struggling to catch her breath and form a coherent thought. Before she knew what she was doing she reached out for her hand and laced their fingers together.

"I'm sorry."

Santana sucked in her breath, her eyes darting down to Rachel's fingers in hers. She knows she should pull back, pull them away, stand up and call for Puck or someone else to come to her. But she doesn't want to, at all. And what she does instead is squeeze Rachel's hand until she hears someone's knuckle pop as she tries to sniffle back her tears.

"Why?"

For the first time in a week Rachel felt as though she could breathe. It wasn't going to be easy but the simple art of holding hands was enough to bring her a tiny bit of relief and comfort. Santana's hand in her own just felt right, she felt so relaxed for a split second.

"Because I never wanted this rift to come between us, I need you and maybe it's stupid, maybe it's wrong to even be wanting this but I just need my friend back. I felt like I couldn't breathe without you around and seeing Brittany touching you, holding your hand… it hurt more than I thought it would."

Santana can fully identify with what she is saying. Rachel has in fact just put it exactly into words. She just wants her, even needs her; this has become obvious, whether it's right or wrong or stupid or not.

She doesn't pay much attention to the comment about Brittany, or about Rachel feeling hurt. She's still thinking about the girl's words, a perfect summary of her own conflicted feelings. And after a few moments she chokes out, "I shouldn't fucking want this but I do. Why DO I?"

Rachel almost laughed as Santana spoke but she held back and just squeezed her hand tightly.

"I've been asking myself the exact same thing and I can't figure it out but I know that I do, I want this and it's scary and intimidating but you're the one thing keeping me grounded to this stupid planet."

"I can't ground anyone, I can't help anyone," Santana protests, her voice weak. "I can't do shit, isn't that obvious?"

But she never would have thought that Rachel Berry would ground her…and yet how much more calm is she starting to feel, just holding her hand, even as tears still streak down her face? How is that even a little bit normal?

For another few minutes she fights herself, reaching up to wipe her own tears repeatedly. But then with a sudden jerky motion she turns toward Rachel and embraces her fiercely, giving in at last to her desire of the past six days.

"But you're helping me." She said softly. "You've done so much for me, San. So much." She said firmly. Before too long she was being pulled into Santana's arms and held onto her just as tightly crying into her shoulder as she held onto her as tightly as physically possible.

It seems impossible, that she could really be helping someone, when so much of the time, she feels so helpless herself. But the feeling of relief she gets to be holding Rachel again, to let herself be held too, is so intense that Santana cannot doubt it. She clutches her, her face buried in Rachel's hair, and the aching in her chest that has seemed so impossible to remove slowly starts to subside.

It may be stupid or crazy, but she can't do this anymore. She has to give in…she has to have Rachel.

Rachel can feel it, she can feel her chest feeling lighter than it had in days and not so constricted. It felt easier to breathe, easier to think and function as she held onto Santana as tightly as possible. Holding onto Santana she closed her eyes and let herself breathe her in as they remained tangled in each other's arms.

"Don't let me go, please?" she asked in the softest of whispers, hoping that Santana wouldn't let go again now.

Santana gave a faint nod, barely moving her head from Rachel to do so. She feels her tears slow, then dry up, and yet she remains motionless, feeling Rachel's breath against her, her arms so tightly around her, and soaking it up as the comfort she wants and needs. She feels her muscles start to relax, and still she doesn't move. She won't let go, not again. She can't.

Time seems entirely irrelevant, almost like it's paused entirely and Rachel doesn't notice Puck coming out and sitting by them making sure they were alright and that no one said anything. He just sat there, protectively. Rachel on the other hand kept her head hidden against Santana breathing her in, soaking up the comfort and the tight grip that the girl had on her. It was everything she missed and everything she had needed throughout the past week. Things felt better with Santana around and she knew she couldn't let her go again, she'd fight and do whatever it took to keep her around.

Santana doesn't move either. She sagged against Rachel, her hold loosening, and almost the rest of the class period had passed before she finally looked up, taking in a shuddering breath. She noticed Puck standing there then, and he gave her a small smile, waving.

"Hey."

Santana just twitched her lips back at him, noticing the concern furrowing his brow, the darkness to his eyes. She realized then that Puck too has been affected by this, that Puck too has had to grow up in the past few weeks, and the fact that he's just watching them, asking nothing, offering nothing more than his presence and a smile, is the testament to how much he has changed. Still gripping Rachel, Santana suddenly realizes that she's sad for him too. After a hesitation she withdrew one hand to reach out and take his wordlessly.

Rachel looked up when she heard Puck's voice and gave him a weak smile. He had been an amazing support and she knew without a doubt in her mind that he was struggling too. Sitting there wrapped up in Santana's arms she didn't dare to move, she was terrified of moving and losing that contact she so desperately craved.

"I'm so tired," she whispered to no one in particular. She had barely slept, barely been eating, she was barely functioning lately.

Santana nodded faintly, agreeing without words. She too was not taking care of herself, and it showed. Her clothes were generally wrinkled, her hair not nearly as well kept, and she had stopped bothering with makeup, sometimes even going so far as to wear glasses to school instead of contacts, a huge step down for her. She has lost weight and dark circles clearly line her eyes. She exhaled against Rachel, squeezing Puck's hand, and when she felt his thumb gently rub over the back of it, she sighed again.

"You wanna stay here, or…" he asked finally, trailing off, and she finally lifted her head, looking at Rachel.

Rachel felt the most unprepared that she ever had in her life. Nothing was planned, she had stopped going by a schedule for her entire day and just let it happen now. When Santana finally spoke she bit her lip and looked at Puck before looking back to Santana.

"Can we get out of here?" She asked timidly.

"'Course," Puck said quietly, and he stood, reaching out then for their hands. Santana let him take it, reluctantly pulling apart from Rachel to be pulled to her feet. He kept hold of her hand, squeezing, and then pulled Rachel up too. Santana immediately latched onto Rachel with her free hand, her legs a little shaky to walk.

Taking Puck's hand she got up and held onto Santana's hand again.

"Thank you," she whispered as they just stood there for a minute and Mr Schue came out and told Puck to take them home and help them to get some rest.

Santana kept a protective arm around Rachel, her free hand in hers, as Puck shifted his hand to her shoulder, frequently looking down at her as he started to walk slowly with them down the hall. It doesn't occur to Santana that she's left all her belongings back in the choir room, but she also doesn't care. She lets herself be lead, feeling as though she's in an exhausted daze as Puck guides them. When they reach his car, he opens the backseat for them, correctly assuming they would want to sit together, and helps them in with a hand to the smalls of their backs. He frequently glances back at them in the rearview mirror as he drives, asking only,

"Where do you want me to take you?"

Rachel got into the back of Puck's truck and curled up against Santana's side and closed her eyes. She didn't want anything more than to stay in that safe place and hide away from the rest of the world and the added bonus was that Puck was there, he offered that extra comfort and extra protection that she hadn't known she needed.

"Your place?" She suggested to Puck seeing as both of her parents were home and she was sure Santana's would be as well. "I don't feel like seeing their faces when they know I didn't stay another full day."

Santana knows her mother is home for another two weeks, working out of home until further notice. Her father isn't, but her mother would doubtless tell him if she came home. She nods in agreement of Rachel, her head against the girl's shoulder.

Puck shrugs and does as requested, knowing his sister is at school and his mother is working. When he pulls into the driveway, he looks back at them as he gets out of the car, waiting to see if they wanted to get out on their own.

"My room's kinda disastrous so. Just ignore it. You can do whatever."

When they finally stopped out the front of the Puckerman household Rachel looked to Santana before slowly getting out of the car with her, encouraging her silently to join her. "It's fine." She murmured, of course she hated mess of any kind but she would ignore it for once. She didn't have the energy to go into overdrive and worry about little things like a messy room or whether her outfit matched, her mind was on bigger things and bigger questions that she knew she would never get the answers to.

Puck walked behind the girls, as though to make sure they would get inside, and Santana slid her fingers into Rachel's again, walking in continued quiet. Without analyzing why she finds herself reaching back and twining her fingers with Puck's as well, vaguely appreciating his squeeze in response.

She is familiar with the Puckerman house and so walks straight through without a second look to Puck's bedroom. As she pushes his door open, kicking spare clothes out of the way on the floor, she guides Rachel to his bed and sits up against the headboard, leaning back. It occurs to her vaguely that it's probably a little weird to sit here with Rachel and maybe Puck too, considering how often she's had sex here.

Stepping into the Puckerman home was a strange thing for Rachel but when they walked into Puck's room she followed Santana over to his bed and curled up against Santana's side while Puck sat on the other side of her and pulled them both flush against his side. Rachel closed her eyes and soaked up the warmth from them both. For some reason it was safe there and she loved having them both wrapped around her and keeping her close. "I'm sorry if I fall asleep." She mumbled.

Santana melted into both Puck and Rachel, half on both their laps simultaneously. She has her head tilted onto Puck's chest, her arms wound around Rachel's waist, and she is starting to feel as relaxed as Rachel seems to be. They are both completely different in feel- Rachel small and soft, Puck broad and compact- but both feel equally comfortable to her.

"Don't," she mutters to Rachel, meaning don't apologize. Puck meanwhile leans back more heavily into the bedframe, wrapping his arms more securely around both.

"Beds are for sleep. That and sex but I think that one's out. Unless you wanna, I'd be pretty dumb to say no to that."

His voice is light, just trying to ease things, and Santana hits him very half heartedly, barely lifting her hand to do so.

"You're a dork." Rachel laughed and nestled into both of them, holding onto Santana and letting herself get completely lost in how safe she felt and how nice it was to have two people who seemed to understand everything. Before she knew it she was beginning to drift off to sleep, her breathing evened out and her body relaxed even more, more than it had in a long time.

When Santana feels Rachel's body relax further and hears her breathing change, she knows she's asleep. She looses her arm around her, leaning further back into Puck, but as weary as she feels, she isn't sleepy.

After a few moments she feels Puck's hand moving through her hair and says nothing, soaking this up. It feels nice, and it's sweet of him to do this. When he kisses the top of her head, Santana continues to let him, noting his hand moving in a caress up and down her arm. When he kisses her head again, then her cheek, moving towards her neck, she is surprised by how she enjoys this. Normally she would simply ride it out, but now…there's a faint warm feeling stirring in her stomach.

Rachel's head was resting against Puck's shoulder, her body neatly tucked in beside his, the perfect fit. She wasn't in a deep sleep and gave Santana's hand a gentle squeeze after lacing their fingers together. She craved closeness right now and that was exactly what she was being given. The chance to feel close to someone who cared and who wasn't just there because it was out of obligation.

Santana hears her breath start to quicken when Puck's lips now brush against her throat, lightly at first, then a little more firm. When she doesn't protest, and in fact slightly arches her chin up to give him easier access, he sucks lightly at the skin, his other hand, still wrapped around her and Rachel, gently ghosting its fingers over her side.

This has happened before with them, of course, Puck starting to make out with her. But never before has Santana been as interested in it continuing or felt as much. And definitely has it never happened with a dozing Rachel so close.

Rachel was completely unaware of what was going on around her, her mind was caught up in the dreams it was weaving. The nightmares it was beginning to create and suddenly she was pulled from the warmth and the safety of Santana and Puck's arms to the dangerous halls of McKinley, to blood seeping out of bodies littering the fall. Then she's there, falling to the ground and gasping for her and suddenly there's a heavy weight sitting on her chest and she can't breathe at all, she's gasping for air. What she doesn't know is that it was mirrored in her sleeping form, her body had gone rigid and her breathing had changed from calm to rapid and coming out in shallow gasps. She couldn't move, couldn't breathe and she couldn't force her eyes to open and bring her back to her safe reality where everything was a little better. She was stuck in a world where her life was ending and she couldn't be there to look after Santana like she needed to.

Santana didn't notice right away that Rachel's body had shifted against her. She is too caught up in what is happening with Puck, wondering what has made things feel different now, trying to go along with it like she knew she should and would if things were normal- if she herself was normal. She has slowly reached for his face, intending to start giving back a little, befoer she notices Rachel at last. The girl is no longer slumped into her, her skin clammy and hard to the touch, and Santana can hear her panting, sounding as though it is painful for her to suck in air.

Pulling away from Puck, Santana wraps her arms around her again, shaking her lightly as she puts her lips near her ear. "Rachel. Rachel, it's okay. Shhh, it's okay."

Frowning, Puck watches, unsure of what to do, one hand resting on each girl's back.

Hearing Santana's voice she keeps struggling for air, struggling to get to the surface and it takes her a few minutes before she can try to force her eyes open and immediately she clings to Santana.

"You're okay." She whispered with tears in her eyes.

She had no clue what had been going on before but she can feel Puck's hand on her back and it sends a tingle through her spine, one she had never felt before. Nestling into Santana she let herself listen to her breathe for a little bit as she tried to calm down. Sleeping was something she couldn't achieve peacefully now, it was marred with images of the day that changed her life and effectively changed the lives of the entire community.

Santana continues to rub Rachel's back, even giving her a soft kiss on her cheek- a first for her. As often as Rachel has kissed her head, this is the first time she's returned it. After a few minutes she detached gently from Puck, lying down with Rachel, wrapping her arms around her and snuggling close. She jerked her chin at Puck, who looked confused at first, but then lay down slowly on the other side of Rachel, wrapping his arms around her as well, overlapping a little with Santana. In this way they've made a "sandwich" of Rachel.

Rachel had sworn to herself that she would stop the nightmares and that she would be fine, yet there she was shaking and trying so hard not to cry in front of them both. When Santana kissed her cheek a lone tear spilled over and she hugged her even tighter, letting her lay them down as she finally regained her ability to breathe normally. Then with Puck laying on the other side of her she relaxed back into him, feeling tiny between the two of them but strangely safe and content. "I'm sorry." She whispered.

"'S cool," Puck murmured back. His hand lightly rubs over Rachel's forearm, similarly to how he had rubbed Santana's earlier, only slower.

Santana nods too, also whispering her reply as she tightens her arms around Rachel. "Not allowed here. Just rest. You don't have to sleep. Just rest with us."

Rachel's body relaxed beneath Puck's touch, soaking up the simple moments where nothing else mattered.

"You two are amazing," She mumbled as she allowed herself to rest with them and hid her face against Santana's chest, listening to her heart beating beneath her ear and reminding herself that they were all safe and sound.

Santana's lips curved into a brief smile, and she rested her cheek against the top of Rachel's head. Twining their legs together, she pressed her arms lightly against Puck's where they overlapped in their hold of Rachel, sort of liking how large and muscled his arms felt against her own slim ones.

Puck smiled at her over Rachel's head, even as he responded to Rachel. "We are pretty cool."

Rachel was pressed tightly between Santana and Puck and for her that was quickly becoming her new favorite spot to be. "Mmhm." she hummed and closed her eyes but as she did that she saw the same images again and quickly opened them, gripping onto Santana a little tighter.

Noticing this, Santana reached to tap her forehead, dropping her voice. "Get out of there. Stop thinking. What helps you…singing? Being sung to? Reading…what do you need to think about, to make that go away?"

Looking back at Santana she bit her lip and thought about it for a moment.

"Music, any kind of music."

Her dads had taken to singing to her whenever she had a nightmare and now it seemed to be the only thing that helped when she didn't have Santana.

Santana can't think of any songs at the moment, so she looks at Puck, asking him without words to help her out. Picking this up, Puck cleared his throat, rubbing his hand over Rachel's arm as he starts to sing softly.

"'Cause you see the shelter as the storm, holding wind to keep you warm, you were everything I need, this is why I have to leave, so sleep well my angel…"

It's nothing Santana's heard before, but it's a soft song, almost a lullaby, and comforting. She smiles at him, resting her head against the side of his arm, and feels a strong wave of affection for him. It's weird how when she had tried to hard to like Puck, to feel towards him, she had felt nothing, but now it seems to be slowly coming in without any effort on her part.

Listening to Puck sing she smiled softly and reached back to touch him, her hand coming into contact with his thigh and resting there. She wasn't sure what the song was but it felt familiar and it was beautiful. Her body visibly relaxed as he sang and she knew that both of them would be able to feel the change in her, going from rigid to relaxed and her breathing settled entirely.

It's a mark of his concern for the girls that Puck isn't getting turned on by the situation. Much. Normally having two girls so close to him, pressed up where he can feel their hips and waists and breasts, would be extremely excitign and he could barely resist trying to touch and make out with them. But this situation is in a different context, and he manages to keep himself controlled as he continues to sing softly. He can feel Santana relaxing more against him too and finds himself rocking very slightly back and forth, the motion and his voice continuing to lull.

Rachel's breathing evened out and she knew it wouldn't be too long before Puck's voice lulled her to sleep. Nestled in against Santana she allowed herself to drift off for a second time that day, holding her close and soaking up the toned body that belonged to Puck wrapped around her much smaller frame.

Santana can feel Rachel fall asleep again and is silent for several minutes, relaxed. When she speaks her voice is fuzzy, drowsy. "Puck…do you have dreams too?"

Puck doesn't answer for a while, but she notices his grip on her tighten. "Sometimes."

Santana digests this. Is it possible that their emotions transmit to him? He wasn't there, didn't see anything, but maybe he did see something on the news. Or maybe his imagination was better than she had always thought.

She lays her cheek against his chest, as much for him as for herself in comfort.

This time Rachel actually sleeps, curled up in the warmth of two bodies pressed against her keeping her safe. For the first time in weeks she sleeps for a solid two hours in one go and doesn't move an inch the entire time. Her sleep is peaceful, restful and comfortable, it's not disturbed or interrupted by visions of the day that changed her life. Instead it was filled with dreams of Santana and Puck holding her close and watching the sun set over a body of water which causes her to sigh in her sleep, a true sign of a relaxed version of herself.

It takes Santana longer, but eventually she drifts off too. She settles down, even snoring faintly after twenty minutes or so, her mouth open, one hand splayed against Puck's neck, the other twined in Rachel's hair. Puck remains awake, watchful, and tries not to move, not wanting to wake either of them. He himself is tired but doesn't let himself close his eyes. Somehow he feels that if he doesn't sleep, if he keeps watch the whole time the girls do, he can keep them from bad dreams. His mind drifts as he sits up, holding them, and he finds himself smiling slightly down at them both. He never would have thought he could do this for a chick, let alone two, but somehow these two are different to him now than they used to be, and he doesn't think a second thought about it.


	9. Chapter 9

Author note: Thank you to everyone who reviewed, very appreciated. To guest who made the comment about wishing she had warning about it being a "threesome" so she won't waste her time- it says in the description it's eventually Pezberry and Pucktanaberry. However, it is not exactly a "threesome" in that this isn't a smut story. There will be no sex. This is rather the story of three people forming an unconventional bond and relationship.

Noah Puckerman was not a guy that anyone, himself included, would classify as overly sensitive or emotional. He wasn't someone who knew what to do or say, most of the time, if someone was upset, and history had shown him that if he tried to say something to comfort them, it would inevitably be the wrong words. He was the guy who used to throw people into dumpsters, the guy that seduced girls and knocked them up, the guy that was too dumb to steal things without getting caught, the guy who was sent to juvie and had affairs with Lima's cougars. He was the guy that everyone knew was gonna stay in Lima forever, not making any more of himself before his deadbeat drunken father before him. And most of the time, Puck believed it of himself too.

But he wanted more. It was hard, almost impossible to try to be different than the guy everyone knew him to be, and most of the time he slipped up trying so hard not to be. But he had tried to do right by Quinn, after knocking her up, made it his business to help her out and try to be a dad to their daughter the best he knew to. He had grown fond of the other Glee kids, losers that they were, and even sort of admitted it sometimes; he would never let any of them come to harm if he could help it.

And that was what killed him now about what had happened to Santana and Rachel. His girl, and his fellow Jew, having to go through something so horrible, something that had messed them up so much they didn't' even act like the biting, sarcastic girl who had sashayed around the school, delighting in insulting everyone and behaving as if she were royalty, and the overly confident and demanding yet so very talented diva who had been focused on only her own future stardom. Had Puck not known Santana and Rachel before the shooting, he would never have thought that the shattered, shaken girls they were now had any connection at all to the ones they had been.

It was terrible to be with them every day and see how deeply they had been struck by what they had survived, how it had hurt them both to the core. Every day he watched them cling to each other, girls who had formerly seemed to have nothing but deep dislike and begrudging respect for each other's talent, now unable to let each other go and panicked at the thought of being separated for long periods. Every day he witnessed them shaking and sobbing when memories or reminders of what they had seen came up, unable to stay in the classroom or even sing. The fact that Rachel Berry and Santana Lopez refused to sing when given the chance said more clearly than any words could how far gone they were now. Every day Puck walked with them to class and often brought them home early, did his best to keep anyone away from them who wanted to bother them, either with good intentions or cruel ones, and he protected them from hearing others talk about the shooting or their new and rather puzzling behavior. He couldn't say he totally understood them himself, but he'd be damned if he'd let anyone else say anything negative about them.

Every day he held them both, often rocking or trying to sing them to sleep and waking them up from nightmares. Every day he felt more and more loving and protective towards them both, first Santana, then Rachel. He had always been attracted to Santana, but before now, she had been a friend and a "fuck buddy," someone to have fun with and then separate from as they both wanted. Now, he was pretty sure he was in love with her…but the weirdest thing was, he sort of thought he was starting to feel the same way about Rachel too. Was that even possible?

He didn't say anything about it. He just continued to be there for them both as much as he could, and when he began to feel the effect of it on himself, he still said nothing.

How ridiculous would it sound to say that Puck felt heavy every day now, as though there were weights dragging him down to the ground? How could he ever admit that when he held the girls after they had been crying or had to take them out of class and drive them home, he had to swallow repeatedly against lumps choking his own throat, blink back against hot tears in his eyes? How could he ever let anyone know that he was starting to feel that someone was watching him all the time, that he was always sitting by the exit and constantly looking around himself for danger? How could anyone ever understand that he barely slept anymore and was rarely hungry either, that he too had nightmares at night that made him awaken terrified for his own life?

He hadn't even been there. He hadn't been in the school or that classroom, and he hadn't seen anything except from some clips on the news. How could he ever admit to anyone that he, a grown man, almost, who hadn't been there at all, felt almost as frightened and beaten down by what had happened as the girls he was supposed to be comforting?

88

Everything was slowly changing, the school had better security, Rachel hadn't sung in almost three weeks, Kurt and Mercedes barely spoke to her now and were walking on eggshells around her in case they said the wrong thing. But that wasn't what she was worried about, she was worried about Puck. He had taken such great care of both Rachel and Santana and she began to wonder if he was as okay as he made himself out to be. Though as she sat there with Santana in her living room watching It's Complicated she tried not to be so distracted. She wanted Santana to know that she was there for her and there to keep her company and not be so distant.

Rachel focused on the movie then, with her phone sitting on the arm of the couch and pulled a blanket over both her and Santana.

"I um.. I think we should do something for Noah, thank him for helping us out and all that," she said after a few minutes of silence had passed between them.

Santana had been half dazing off, curled up beside Rachel. She is still spending extreme amounts of time with the other girl, as much as her parents and Rachel's will allow, and sometimes she devices ways to sneak in even more. But slowly she has started to spend almost as much time with Puck as well, and even to enjoy and want this. She herself had been thinking about him, wondering what he was up to and why she hadn't heard from him tonight, when Rachel spoke.

Lifting her head from Rachel's shoulder, she looked over at her, frowning. "Like what?"

Rachel was rubbing Santana's back gently and gave her a small shrug of her shoulders. "I'm not sure but he deserves some kind of thanks."

As she looked down at Santana she was struck by just how beautiful she looked in the dim light of the Berry household living room. She had developed feelings for Santana and perhaps it was all part of circumstance and what they had been through but she was choosing not to question it anymore.

Santana hasn't actually verbally thanked him often. She's not someone who uses words in that way very much; if anything, she uses body language and physical gestures of affection. She considers what Rachel is saying, agreeing with her with a shrug of her shoulders.

"I know what he'd want, probably a threesome or something," she snorted. Catching Rachel looking at her, a certain softness in her eyes, she raises her eyebrows. "What?"

Puck has no idea what the hell he's doing, thinking, or even feeling anymore. He's lost track of how many bottles he's gone through from his mother's hidden stash, but he's almost depleted her selection. Slumped back in the seat of his car, he took another swallow, his Adam's apple bobbing as he drank noisily.

He had driven to a parking lot several blocks from his house, not wanting his sister to walk into his bedroom and see him doing this. Why he was doing this, he had no idea, no idea at all, except that he was tired. Tired and angry and sad, even scared, for himself, for his girls, for everyone and everything, and so damn sick of it.

He shouldn't feel like this. He had no right to, and he sure as hell couldn't tell anyone. But it was there all the same, and the only way he could think to get rid of it was to drink until he didn't feel it anymore. Now his head was throbbing lightly, his entire body seemed to buzz with adrenaline, and yet still the emotion was there.

How much more did he have to drink for it to go?

"Well we could always make out in front of him," Rachel said with a soft laugh.

She knew that Puck would be the typical guy and suggest a threesome and for some reason Rachel couldn't find herself to be completely disgusted by the idea like she might have been a couple months ago. She felt something for them both and even if she couldn't figure out what they were she knew there was something there.

"I um.. you're just.. stunning," Rachel admitted in a whisper.

She knew that a simple compliment such as that might push Santana away but she needed her to know that even if it wasn't a compliment she took to heart. Her mind was on Puck and on Santana, wondering how she could protect them both and thank them both for looking after her as much as they had.

Santana's eyebrows rose further, nearly touching her hairline, and she turned her head to look more fully at Rachel, pulling slightly apart from her. She isn't sure what the girl's angle is with the comment. Especially since she's wearing only Chapstick as far as makeup goes and her hair is messy, and she is wearing casual clothes. She looks down at herself again as though to make sure of this.

"I know I'm a hot bitch or whatever but…random?"

Her phone lights up, and she sees it out the corner of her eye but ignores it for now.

Rachel laughed at Santana's reaction and just shrugged.

"I like the natural look."

Sure Santana looked nice all the time but seeing her in a more natural state was something she admired more than when she had make up on and her hair done perfectly. This was a different side of Santana and she liked it. Before too long her own phone lit up and she frowned when she saw it was Puck. "Noah?" She asked after picking it up.

"You mean the "I'm hot, if you like a hot mess" look," Santana commented, rolling her eyes. She settles herself back against Rachel, gesturing impatiently towards the TV. "If you talk I miss stuff and then I talk to figure out what's going on and then we never know what's going on."

Her eyes flickered mild interest when Rachel receives the call from Puck, but this interest soon becomes a mixture of concern and jealousy when she overhears his loud, clearly intoxicated voice on the other line.

"Jewish…princess chick…I always kinda had a thing for your nose…it's so Jewish, you know? Don't ever let anyone ever say you're not hot again…'cause you totally are. I would make out with you again in a second 'cause your lips are pretty sweet too…"

"What the fuck, Puckerman? You know you're not talking to your GIRLFRIEND now, right, you know your girlfriend isn't Jewish and has a pretty normal nose?" she blurted, talking loudly enough that he can hear her in the receiver too.

"Lopezzz….my mamacita gorgeous-ita," he slurred in response. "Don't worry, enough of me to go around….we can totally share….we have been anyway, right?"

Santana looked at Rachel then, bothered. Puck hasn't partied or drank since the shooting that she knows of, and she hasn't heard of a party going on tonight. So what was up with him?

"Well you're definitely hot, you don't need me to tell you that," Rachel said with a teasing smile forming on her lips. Then she was captured by Puck's loud voice and the slight slur he had going on.

"Noah, where are you?" she asked, obviously concerned when both he and Santana had finished talking.

She had no clue what was going on with him but she knew she had to figure it out and she had to help him. There was no way she could ignore that pull that was telling her to go to him. Getting up off the couch she grabs her keys before holding her free hand out to Santana.

Santana is definitely intrigued by this. Is Rachel Berry FLIRTING with her?

She opens her mouth, about to ask as much, when she pays attention again to Puck's words. When Rachel stands up, holding out her hand to her, Santana is slow to catch on but grasps her hand, letting herself be pulled up.

"He's probably hiding in his own basement or something. Puckerman, why are you being a dumbass?"

"Am not, Lo- Pez-Dispenser," Puck disagreed, then laughed to himself, apparently amused at his own comment. "I'm in a parking lot, you know like where we first did it! Always take 'em by surprise!"

"Noah, don't be gross." Rachel said with a dramatic roll of her eyes as they reached her car and she jumped in. "Here, take my phone keep him talking."

She handed it over to Santana and started up the car.

"I'm a guy, that's our job," Puck protested, laughing again, but there's a strange, strained quality to it that makes Santana frown, quickening her steps towards the car. "We do the gross and we do it most!"

"Jesus he gets stupid when he's tanked," she mutters, shaking her head, but she does as Rachel asks, keeping him talking.

"What parking lot are you at? And no I'm not meeting you for a quickie or whatever other lame innuendo you're gonna try for, not that you're probably sober enough to get it up right now."

It took another several minutes before Puck had named his location accurately enough for them to get where he was at, and by then Santana's anger and irritation had been wholly weighed out by concern. She didn't know what he was doing, but it was obvious to her something was on his mind, that he was in some kind of pain…because he was acting basically exactly like she did, minus the tears, when she herself was drunk.

Rachel didn't pay much attention to much else outside of his location and sped off in that direction. She needed to get to him and help him out and was glad that she had thought to grab the water bottle she had sitting beside her in the living room. It didn't take long to get there and when she did she parked beside his truck and got up, climbing into the passengers side and immediately seeing all the bottles.

"Noah? What's going on?" she asked as she cupped his cheeks and made him look at her. There was a certain sadness in his eyes and then she began to realize that he was affected too. "We need to get you home."

Santana lingered behind Rachel, looking in as well, but not approaching Puck yet. Shaking her head, she felt her heart constrict for him with sudden sadness. "God, Puck…"

Puck's eyes were bright with suppressed feeling, his hands shaking slightly, and one remained clinched around a bottle as Rachel came inside with him. He didn't notice Santana behind her yet. He laughed at first, with no real humor in it, but when she touched his face, he swallowed, gripping the bottle even harder.

"Get me home…get YOU home… 's what I do. Supposed to do. You should have been home. Should have been HOME…s'pposed to be. Don't you know…s'pposed to be?"

"Shit," Santana whispered from behind Rachel, as it clicks what he's talking about. Slowly she eases into the truck behind Rachel, squeezing onto the seat

When Puck finally spoke and Santana squeezed into the truck with her Rachel carefully took the bottle from Puck's hand and sat it down before pulling both Santana and Puck in close.

"Let it out." she whispered as her thumb gently brushed beneath his eye while the rest of her hand cupped his cheek. "It shouldn't be you," she said firmly. "Never."

"I fucked up," Puck blurted, shaking his head against her hand. His jaw works, and he blinks several times, trying to hold back the tears now standing in his eyes. "I fucked up, always fuck up. Should be…no. Stop it."

He pushed lightly at her hand, but because he doesn't want to hurt her, even in his current state, not hard enough to really push her away.

"Stop…no. S'pposed to…you do this. Not me. You. S'pposed to be here for you and…help you. Fucked up. Fucked UP…" a rough sob escapes, and he pushes at her hand again.

Santana, close to Rachel, reaches for Puck's hand and pulls it from Rachel, squeezing it hard in hers. She exhales, saying nothing.

Rachel's heart broke for Puck, he had been doing such an amazing job looking after them but no one even them had noticed how much he was struggling too. Without giving it a second thought she pulled him into a tight hug while Santana held his hand and she gently rubbed his back. She didn't speak, there wasn't anything to say but she knew they needed to be there for him.

No one hugs Puck like this. Not for this reason or in this manner; not to provide comfort or support, but only to try to extract it from him. At first he stiffened up, entirely unused to this, but as Santana squeezed his hand and Rachel began to rub his back, he felt his muscles slowly relax, and before he could control it, the single sob that had come out earlier became a second, then a third. Without his own consent, he began to shake with dry, painful-sounding cries ripping from his throat, loud and harsh enough in their obvious pain that it would have mortified and shamed him, had he been sober enough to really get what was going on. Even in his intoxicated state he knows this is not what he thinks is right, this is not what he considers acceptable, and he continues to shake his head against Rachel's shoulder, sobbing out, "No, no. Fuck, no…"

Santana swallows, completely taken aback by this, her heart twisting hard in her chest. She had never really thought Puck capable of feeling this deeply or showing it, even when drunk, and isn't sure how to respond. But in this moment she has never felt more for him. She leans in, gently placing her hand on his neck and beginning to massage.

Rachel held Puck tightly to her, she had always known he was more emotional than he would ever admit and that he felt things more than anyone thought he did. But she hadn't expected this. Not by any means but now she could feel her heart shattering for him.

"We've got you." she whispered and kissed his temple without giving it much thought.

Santana lightly kneaded Puck's neck, her hand trailing down to squeeze his shoulders one by one as well, trying to work out some of the tension she is feeling in the muscles. She is frowning, a line forming between her eyebrows as she leans in on impulse to kiss the back of his neck, letting Rachel be the one to do the talking.

Puck weeps harshly for another minute or two, his considerably larger body shuddering against Rachel before he starts to calm down somewhat. By now he has wrapped one arm around her, and the other reaches out for Santana, trying to draw her in. She lets herself be pulled into him as Puck struggles to pull himself back together, clutching them both to him.

With both Rachel and Santana being held tightly to him, Rachel let him just hide against her as he relaxed a little.

"We're in this together." Rachel whispered. "The three of us," she added as her free arm wound around Santana.

Being tightly held by both Puck and Rachel, Santana tries to make her body as relaxed as she can, to transmit an unspoken encouragement for them to respond in kind. She kisses Puck's shoulder, rubbing her hand up and down his arm, still saying nothing. She has no idea what to say.

Eventually Puck too starts to relax, her grip on the girls loosening. He gives out a shuddering sigh, finally speaking. "Sorry. Shit…sorry."

Rachel relaxed in Puck's hold with her head resting against his shoulder and her eyes shut.

"Don't be sorry." She whispered before kissing his cheek. She knew he'd have a headache the following day but right now she just wanted to make sure he was alright and get him home safely.

It's Santana who finally breaks the silence. Breaking herself away from their hold of her gently, she nods her head at Rachel. "Can you drive your own car back? I'll drive this." Looking at Puck, she says to him, "You're staying with us tonight. Period."

"Absolutely." Rachel said and nodded in agreement. "Fight us on it and we'll still do it anyway," he said with a soft smile lighting up her features. "I'll meet you at the house."

Sliding out of the truck when Puck let go of her slender frame, she got into her own car and began the drive back home. Rachel turned the radio up to try and distract herself.

As Santana situates herself in the driver's seat, she reaches out with one hand to wrap her arm around Puck, drawing him against her shoulder. She keeps him there as she drives, rubbing her thumb over his skin, and ignoring the heaviness of his body slumped into hers.

When they pull into Rachel's house, she helps him out, her arm still wrapped around the waist. She takes him around the back of the house, not wanting her fathers to see him drunk and upset- a BOY in the house, no less. She isn't sure what they'll think of that.

Rachel went and met Santana and Puck at the back door. She had left her dads a note saying she would be back and they had already headed up to bed for the night but of course she knew that they would still be awake listening out for her to come home.

"Okay, so they know I'm home and think I've gone to bed so we need to be quiet," Rachel said softly while taking Puck's hand and leading them upstairs.

Puck lets himself be manipulated about by the two girls, in between them both as they guide him upstairs. Santana realizes the extent of the situation as they come into Rachel's room and she gently pushes him to sit on the bed, tugging off his shoes. Looking back at Rachel, she raises an eyebrow, asking if they were all going to sleep there for the night. It's not like she minds, but…isn't it a little weird? And what if her dads do come in tonight?

Up in her room Rachel grabs an extra pillow out of the closet and lays it where she assumes Puck will end up laying down on the bed.

"It's fine, they won't mind." She said softly while helping Puck to lay down once Santana had his shoes off and he was comfortable. "It's not like we're doing anything we shouldn't be anyway."

Santana shrugs at her, asking, "And just what is it we shouldn't be doing?" with a raised eyebrow, just to mess with her. Then she curls up to Puck, wrapping her arms around his waist and resting her head beneath his chin. She sees that his eyes are closed, his arm wrapping around her, and she waits to see whether Rachel will sandwich him or her.

"Anything involving clothes missing from bodies," Rachel said in a joking manner.

Rachel bit her lip, wanting to curl up behind Santana but feeling like Puck needed to be the one in the middle this time. Laying beside him she wrapped an arm around his waist and laced her fingers with Santana's for a little comfort for them both. "Get some sleep you two," she said after pulling the covers over the three of them.

"You're missing shoes, you badass you," Santana teases, but her voice is soft. She squeezes Rachel's hand, adjusting her head on Puck's chest, and listens to his heartbeat. His eyes are closed, his breathing somewhat congested but slowing, calm, and she too closes her eyes, her grip loosening in Rachel's grasp.

Rachel laughed softly and rolled her eyes.

"Gotta be a little daring," she said in return. With Puck relaxing between them she closed her eyes and remained nestled in against his side, listening to his breathing and letting herself be lulled into a light sleep.

Santana is last to fall asleep, and it is more of a doze. Several times she awakens and checks, heavy-lidded, to make sure Puck is still asleep and Rachel is in place, squeezing her hand to be sure before lying back she stops trying to sleep and just lies with her eyes closed, trying to keep her breathing even so as not to wake the others.

Rachel's hand unconsciously squeezes Santana's back each time she wakes up. In her light sleep she can hear Puck's even breathing right beside her and let's that allow her to rest even more. After a few hours passed she woke up only to see both Puck and Santana had their eyes closed still and gave Santana's hand a gentle squeeze before staring up at the roof of her bedroom getting lost in her own thoughts.

Santana's eyes open slowly, and she turns her head towards Rachel, checking her again. Seeing Rachel's eyes open now, she whispers to her, trying to make sure Puck won't awake. "Hi."

Rachel looked over at Santana when she heard her voice and offered her a small smile.

"Hey." She whispers while adjusting herself so she can see Santana a little better over Puck's sleeping form.

Santana reaches over Puck to touch Rachel's arm, lightly scrubbing her fingertips over the skin. She smiles back at Rachel faintly, still caressing her arm, before speaking again.

"He snores." She gives a faint laugh, but she sounds tired. For several minutes she is quiet before she speaks again, her hand tightening in Rachel's. "Rachel? I think I might sort of love him a little."

She doesn't mention, not now, that she feels the same way towards Rachel, that she is utterly confused by this.

Rachel laughed softly as Puck let out a snore right on cue.

"It's a little endearing," she murmured as she got lost in Santana's hand running along her arm, the touch so familiar and comforting but that same touch sparked something in her that always made her heart beat faster.

At Santana's admission she smiled softly and cuddled into Puck's side a little more. "You should tell him, it's easy to see he loves you."

"He does not," Santana replied, but the words are automatic, distracted.

She isn't really thinking about Puck loving her, or herself loving him. That's the way it's supposed to be, isn't it? She's supposed to date a guy, fall in love, and want to get married, and that's the end, though she did think at age sixteen was a bit young and lame.

But she was thinking now about Rachel. How Rachel was smiling at this, like she liked it, and how a prickle of unease was running down her spine. So did that mean that Rachel was glad?

She wanted to ask her, all of a sudden, if Rachel loved her. But how stupid was that? how the hell would that sound? Why did she even care?

Rachel had always tried to hide her emotions behind a smile, smile and walk through the fire. Make it out the other side and crumble when you're alone. That was what she had always told herself because she knew no one would understand how things affected her. Her dads had always been great but even then she couldn't explain to them just how alone and isolated she felt most of the time.

"It's easy to see he does, Santana."

"No he doesn't," Santana repeated, but she sounds even less convincing this time. Unconsciously she squeezes Rachel's hand, meeting her eyes. Something about the girl seems bothered or sad to her. "What? What are you thinking?"

When Santana repeated her words again Rachel knew she didn't believe herself. Squeezing Santana's hand back she sighs and shrugs a little, caught off guard by her question and isn't sure if she should be honest or think it over some more.

"I don't know, everything I guess."

"That's not an answer," Santana pointed out. She turned towards her a little more, half draped over Puck's rising and falling chest in her effort to be nearer to Rachel. "Tell me."

Rachel bit her lip nervously as she looked at Santana, she knew full well that if she was to come clean she could inevitably push Santana away.

"I don't want to lose you," she whispered, her words fast and running together.

Santana frowned, her expression softening. She thinks that Rachel must be thinking of the shooting, of death, literal loss of her, and she lowers her voice, stroking Rachel's arm again. "You won't lose me. I promise. We look out for each other. Puck too."

Rachel's eyes close as she tries to fight back the tears, she knew that admitting she had feelings for Santana could be the end of everything. She could easily end up without her or Puck there and be left in a world of darkness where nothing was the same and where she was left completely alone to deal with everything on her own.

"Not like that," she whispered. "I'm scared of losing.. this.. the gentle touches, the stolen glances and remembering how quickly my life changed when we kissed.. I'm scared of confessing how I really feel and losing you forever."

Her words were still rushed together but this time they were a little more clear.

Santana was slow to clue in to what Rachel really meant, maybe deliberately so. But when it hit her she sucked her breath in, feeling her eyes open wide in the darkness. She stares across Puck at her as she tries to force down the all too true realization that what Rachel is describing is the same for her too. Unable to think of what to say, she finally swallows, then says slowly, "And…how is it you feel?"

Rachel swallowed hard before letting her eyes connect with Santana's and taking a deep breath.

"I think I.. I'm.. falling for you."

The last three words came out rushed and shaky and she was certain that it would be the final straw that pushed Santana away for good.

Santana froze. A part of her had known and been waiting nearly with bated breath for those words, but to hear them spoken out loud…how could this be real? How did she feel about that? And why had part of her been waiting for this as though it were exactly what she wanted to hear?

No, this was wrong. WRONG. She didn't want to hear that from any girl, let alone Rachel. Especially Rachel. This was WRONG.

But even so, she couldn't quite bring herself to do anything to be harsh towards her, to hurt her, even as her brain screamed at her that she should, that the bitch Santana they had both once been so used to should come roaring back. Instead she slowly detached her hand from Rachel's, but didn't quite withdraw it back to herself, leaving the palm flat over Puck's stomach. She sucked in her breath, swallowing, and then shook her head, her voice coming out soft and shaky even to her own ears.

"You're…you're messing it all up. Stop it. Just stop it."

Flinching at the sound of her own voice, she tries to harden her tone, her expression, but it seems to be less steady than ever. "I don't…Rachel, I don't love you. Not like that."

But she sounds like she's lying even to herself. And she knows with sudden, sickening clarity that she is.

She does love Rachel. She loves her…she's falling in love with her. AND Puck.

This isn't happening. This isn't possible, isn't happening. But then why are there suddenly tears streaking down her cheeks? Why is she suddenly sniffling back sobs that can't seem to want to be contained?


	10. Chapter 10

Santana froze. A part of her had known and been waiting nearly with bated breath for those words, but to hear them spoken out loud…how could this be real? How did she feel about that? And why had part of her been waiting for this as though it were exactly what she wanted to hear?

No, this was wrong. WRONG. She didn't want to hear that from any girl, let alone Rachel. Especially Rachel. This was WRONG.

But even so, she couldn't quite bring herself to do anything to be harsh towards her, to hurt her, even as her brain screamed at her that she should, that the bitch Santana they had both once been so used to should come roaring back. Instead she slowly detached her hand from Rachel's, but didn't quite withdraw it back to herself, leaving the palm flat over Puck's stomach. She sucked in her breath, swallowing, and then shook her head, her voice coming out soft and shaky even to her own ears.

"You're…you're messing it all up. Stop it. Just stop it."

Flinching at the sound of her own voice, she tries to harden her tone, her expression, but it seems to be less steady than ever.

"I don't…Rachel, I don't love you. Not like that."

But she sounds like she's lying even to herself. And she knows with sudden, sickening clarity that she is.

She does love Rachel. She loves her…she's falling in love with her. AND Puck.

This isn't happening. This isn't possible, isn't happening. But then why are there suddenly tears streaking down her cheeks? Why is she suddenly sniffling back sobs that can't seem to want to be contained?

Rachel waited with bated breath, her eyes cast downward unable to look into Santana's eyes when she felt her hand leaving her arm and her heart shatter a little more. She hated that she was so confused, she had never so much as looked at another girl in the way she looked at Santana and she found herself falling for her even more with each passing day.

But then she heard what she had expected and it broke her heart even more despite the shakiness in Santana's voice.

"Okay," she murmured and slowly moved out of her bed, furiously blinking back her own tears as she heads into her bathroom for a little moment to breathe and get herself to calm down.

Puck doesn't need this and she should have known better than to have been honest with Santana. She had loved Finn and maybe she could make herself love him again if he would have her but then there was this dark cloud looming overhead, one where she was stuck in a whirlpool of emotion. She was falling for Santana and there was that little spark with Puck too and it was confusing, perhaps one of the most confusing times of her life.

Rachel left. Rachel just got up and left the room, and this to Santana is only additional fuel to her confusion and completely incomprehensible grief. Despite her pulling away, despite her words to her, she had wanted Rachel to stay, to comfort her. It made no sense…and yet lately, it was nearly always Rachel who comforted her, when she was upset. And now Rachel was walking away.

Santana turned her face into Puck's chest, trying to suppress the sobs still rising up in her throat, but he stirred, looking down at her through bleary, unfocused eyes. One hand awkwardly rested on her head, and he muttered fuzzily, "San…?"

"I'm okay," she choked, not sounding it at all. "Go to sleep."

She felt his hand in her hair, a murmured question, and then she could hear him snoring again. Rachel was still in the bathroom, and she felt this absence.

Rachel was collapsed on the bathroom floor crying, painful sobs ripped through her chest as the entirety of her heart laid in her place on the bed shattered into pieces. She didn't want Santana to say the things she had and yet she knew it was coming at the same time. Eventually she pulled herself up off the floor, washed her face and headed back into the room, unable to make eye contact as she climbed back into bed and laid down flat on her back staring up at the roof with tears in her eyes.

Santana knows this is a problem when Rachel doesn't look at her or say anything to her, and certainly doesn't reach for her hand. Her eyes flit to Rachel repeatedly, and when she sees how still she is, how she isn't even touching Puck anymore, she sucks in her breath, trying to blink back the tears still heavy in her own eyes. She presses her face into Puck's skin, hiding it from Rachel's view, but she can feel the faint quiver starting in her spine and spreading down her limbs. She tries over and over to think of something to say to her and every time the words die in her mouth before she can force them out, and she knows if she tried, she would only sob aloud. She lifts her hand, meaning to extend it for Rachel's hand, but then lets it drop again on Puck's leg.

Rachel could feel Santana's eyes on her but she couldn't look back, everything was hurting too much. While she hadn't fully believed Santana's words it was impossible not to believe them at the same time because she had heard her freak out on her before and the fact that it happened again cut so much deeper. Eventually she shifted and curled into Puck's side hoping to hide the fact that she was crying.

Both girls are silent for several minutes, but now Puck is stirring again, sensing the change in them. He mumbles to himself, then opens his eyes, shifting. He has felt tears dampening his skin through his clothes, the coldness of Santana's hand grasping his leg, and though still drunk, his head aching, he tries to wake up, distantly concerned.

"'S wrong…happened?" he asks fuzzily, trying to sit up and look at the girls. Both are practically spread across him, holding him down, and Santana tightens her grip, shaking her head. Puck's eyes open wide then, and he frowns down at her, then at Rachel. "Huh…"

Then, more clearly, "You're both crying."

Rachel didn't look at Puck as he stirred, she just closed her eyes and held onto him a little tighter. In that moment he was the only thing anchoring her to the ground even if she found herself confused with the feelings running through her.

"Nothing," she mumbled but her voice betrayed her, it was shaking and incredibly clear with just how broken her heart was.

Santana couldn't calm down. Her nails digging into Puck's thigh until he made a grunt in response to it, looking down at her in confusion, she felt tears start streaming more steadily down her cheeks. She knows she upset Rachel, she knows that she pushed her away, and what if she just messed everything up and Rachel would never be in her life again? But what did that mean that this upset her so much? She liked her and she knew it, more than that…she was starting to love her. Like THAT. And it scared her so badly she couldn't even begin to comprehend. But how could she say this…what did this mean? What did this make her now?

Soon the tears became audible sobbing, then hyperventilating, and she found herself almost choking, gasping for breath. This scared her more, not only because the physical discomfort, but because what did that mean if Rachel being upset and apart from her upset her to the point she was this hysterical? She doubled over, wheezing, as Puck, now fully awake, looked at her in alarm, trying to pull her back against his chest and rub her back.

"Santana…Santana…what? Hey…what…"

He's still drunk himself and has no idea how to comfort her or what to ask, and this only agitates her more. She wants Rachel, and she just pushed Rachel away.

When Santana started panicking and her breathing became ragged Rachel sprung into action. She knew that she couldn't let her stay like that and every instinct in her body told her to protect the girl she was falling in love with. Without giving it a single thought she climbed over Puck and pulled Santana flush against her chest not saying a word as she held her tightly and hid her face against her shoulder.

For the first ten to fifteen seconds, Rachel holding her, though this is what she wants and needs, causes Santana's panic to increase, and she continues to choke, her wheezing breaths becoming harsher and louder. But then she starts to calm down just a little as she feels Rachel's heartbeat, a steady guide, against her own. Tears still streaking down her cheeks, Santana struggles to breathe with her, her choking starting to fade into merely uneven breaths. Her chest heaving unevenly, she tightens her arms around Rachel, unaware of Puck squinting at them both, seeming very much lost.

Rachel didn't let her go the entire time, she simply continued rubbing Santana's back and making sure she was okay. Holding her tightly to her she listened to the sound of Santana's breathing settle a little as she managed to calm down somewhat. She could feel Puck's eyes on her but she didn't care, her entire focus was on Santana.

"Don't push me away," she whispered desperately.

Eventually Santana's frantic breaths become soft hiccups and sniffling, and she keeps her face buried against Rachel, her body's weight slumping as fully against her as possible. She doesn't loosen her hold, and she doesn't even think of pushing Rachel away. She grips her, closing her eyes.

As Santana's body relaxes into her own she pulls her down, practically on top of her and closes her eyes. She's still hurt but she can't leave Santana when she's in a state like the one she was in earlier and she needed to just be holding Santana and looking after her. Holding her as tightly as possible she pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head, not thinking about the repercussions that could possibly come from it.

Puck is still staring at them both, but his hungover, exhausted state is getting to him. The girls don't seem to remember he's there or require him to do anything, so eventually he mumbles something and lays back down, closing his eyes, ignoring them practically sprawled over his legs. Santana doesn't react to Rachel's kiss except to give a loud sniffle, tightening her grasp even more. Eyes closed, she burrows into her, her mouth slightly open against her shoulder.

"Just breathe deeply," Rachel whispered while gently rubbing Santana's back.

It was killing her to see her like this and being the cause of such hurt broke her heart further. It wasn't fair that either of them were hurting but what else were they supposed to do? All of this was new to Rachel and she was sure it was new to Santana too.

Mostly calm now, Santana remains quiet and still against Rachel, eyes still closed. Her thoughts are slow, sluggish, and exhausted, but still focused on the other girl. She can't seem to form the words to tell her she doesn't want her to let go, that she doesn't want to lose her in any way. But maybe her body is telling Rachel what her mouth can't.

Rachel could feel that familiar connection, the one so deep that it often left her in shock at the fact that such a thing was capable of happening. But there it was, as strong as ever and Santana's hold on her brought her the greatest comfort that same comfort that she had wanted when her own heart had broken.

Santana is drifting off now from pure exhaustion, although she is half sitting up, her head growing heavier and heavier against Rachel. Her hold of the other girl loosens up, and she thinks she hears herself breathe out one word- "Sorry-" before she gives into sleep.

When Santana finally fell asleep Rachel was even more confused. She didn't have answers to her questions but she didn't have the energy to ask them either. Instead she laid for the rest of the night holding Santana with one arm while her free hand was holding onto Puck's as he slept. They were the two people who were her entire world and while it was confusing for the most part she didn't want to begin over analyzing it all.

88

Puck is the first to wake up in the morning. He is still hungover, his head throbbing dimly, his mouth parched and tasting rather disgusting, but it was bearable. His eyes scratchy and hot, he started to sit up, blinking again as he looked down at the girls. Rachel was holding Puck's hand, and Santana was curled into her chest, her face not visible to him. Rubbing his hand over his face, he blinked down at them again, muttering to himself.

"Don't know what happened…whatever."

Puck's voice was what woke Rachel from her light slumber.

"There's tylenol and water beside you," she said softly as she looked over at him with a small smile. She knew that she would have to explain everything to him and she hoped that when she did he wouldn't freak out on them.

Puck reached for them slowly, taking it as had been suggested to him. Squinting at Rachel, he squeezed her hand lightly. He barely remembers last night and isn't sure he wants to know, but he does nod down at the motionless Santana, vaguely remembering her being extremely upset.

"Where are we?"

Rachel smiled when Puck took the medication for his head.

"My house, Santana drove your car here so you don't have to worry about that."

Puck frowned, trying to remember this. He has a feeling that he did something embarrassing last night but doesn't want to press himself too hard to recall it. Shrugging one shoulder, he leaned in to kiss the top of Rachel's head.

"Your dads must be awesome. Or else you're a sneaky little Jewish princess…" looking down at Santana, he stifled a yawn. "She have a nightmare?"

When he kissed the top of her head she nestled into his side a little better with Santana wrapped up in her arms.

"The second one but they won't mind anyway," she explained before biting her lip and deciding to be honest. "I kind of told her I was falling for her and she kept saying how wrong it was, I ended up breaking down in the bathroom then came back out and she was having some full on panic attack and wouldn't relax until I held her. She wore herself out eventually..."

Puck adjusts his hold of Rachel, shifting so he's leaned back against the headboard, opening his arms so he has room to hold both Rachel and by extension Santana, who is being held by Rachel. He blinks, stifling another yawn as he tries to listen to her.

"Falling for her…you mean like…"

As he pieces together what she means, he frowns, unsure how he feels about that. Rachel knows that he himself is very much into Santana, but he sort of has some feelings for Rachel too, so he's confused about his own self, let alone what Rachel might feel. He had never thought her as anything but straight, but then, girls are fluid with that kind of thing.

"So you…you wanna date her?"

Rachel looked up at Puck and shrugged a little. "I don't really know what I wanted exactly," she admitted. "All I know is that there's so much going on in my head, it's telling me one thing but my heart is telling me two other things. It's crazy but the two of you… you both mean the world to me."

"Two other things?" Puck blinks, even more confused. He looks down at Santana, then back up at Rachel, loosening his hold of her. "We're dating. I think. Me and San. So….are you gay then?"

"I know you are," she mumbled while gently running her fingers through Santana's hair, exhaling aloud. "No, definitely not gay. I just think I like both. I've never really given it much thought...people are very fluid sexually, you know, women especially. Especially women of my artistic temperament."

Puck shrugs; he's sort of figured by this point that all girls are bisexual. "I ain't into that for me, but whatever floats your boat, I guess. San's pretty cool, so." He looks down at her, at Rachel's hand in her hair, then back at Rachel again. "She's done stuff with Brittany, so she might be too, maybe."

"We've kissed before," she blurted out before her eyes went wide and hid her face against his shoulder. "I just.. I don't know what it is, it's not even a sexual thing really. It's just an emotional thing, she's been my rock and when she holds me I feel.. kind of.. complete. Then you're here too and it feels even better because the two of you are far too amazing and you both just.. make me feel alive again."

Puck listens, still frowning slightly, but what she is saying does make sense to him to an extent.

"I kinda feel that way," he admits, his tone low, not meeting Rachel's eyes. "It sounds lame but…sorta." He shrugs, then attempts to deflect. "Santana does like sex a lot."

Rachel ignored the comment about Santana and looked up at Puck. "You do?" she asked as she nestled into his side a little better and sighed. "I have no clue what's going on with us all but I just.. need you both."

"Yeah."

Puck doesn't say it out loud, but he is still frowning, thinking. Beginning to think that maybe she has a point…maybe he needs them both too.

He holds her closer, stroking back her hair with one hand, and then bends to kiss her forehead, then her cheek, much as he normally would Santana. He hesitates, an urge coming over him to kiss Rachel's lips, but he doesn't act on it right away.

When Puck kissed her forehead and cheek she smiled softly and let herself soak up the moment as much as she could. She sensed his hesitation but she didn't bring it up, instead she just pulled the blanket over Santana a little better and kept her protective hold on her. There was so much going through her mind but she knew that in time she could figure it all out.

Rachel didn't respond negatively, and Santana doesn't seem to be in any hurry to stir or start awakening. Puck rubbed Rachel's arm idly, then let his hand drift up her shoulder, her neck, her cheek, still gently rubbing the skin beneath. He kisses her shoulder, then her cheek, and then, after several moments, very softly kisses her lips.

Every one of Puck's touches ignited something within her that had been dormant for her entire life. It was something different to what Santana's touches ignited but still the same kind of amazing feeling. When his lips eventually met with her own she kissed him back just as softly and wrapped her free arm around him, keeping him close for a little bit longer.

Puck feels a slow stirring in his chest, spreading down his torso and settling low around his gut, pressing to his heart. He doesn't know how to describe it except that it feels right, that this feels somehow similar to what he feels now when kissing Santana. It's beyond physical, it's something more, something that gets to his heart as well as his body.

He kisses Rachel again, his hand rubbing in between her shoulder blades as he pulls her closer.

As Puck pulled her in closer she happily allowed it to happen and tightened her own grip on him. This time she kissed him with a little bit more intensity, she loved Santana and she knew that she loved or was at least falling in love with Puck too. When they broke the kiss her heart was racing and she couldn't help but smile.

Puck smiled back at her, the expression soft, even slightly goofy, but when he glanced down at Santana, still being cradled by Rachel, and still asleep deeply, the smile slowly slipped. His eyes averted, and he exhaled, looking back at Rachel, before blurting out.

"I know people have sex like a threesome. Been there tried to do that. But you can't date as one…right?"

Rachel's own smile fell with Puck's and she couldn't help but feel bad for what had happened. Then she almost burst out laughing at Puck's question.

"It's more of a taboo. It happens, it's just not talked about. I mean sure the sex is the most highly talked about thing but there's people that date and all that."

"Well…you and San kissed," Puck repeats, thinking this through. "And you like her. She wigged out on you but considering how she practically crushed you like a python hugging you after, she probably likes you too. And I like you both. And you totally seemed to enjoy that," he smirked at her a little, touching the corner of her mouth with his finger. "So…we could totally do that, no problem. Right?"

Rachel laughed at Puck's explanation of everything. "Pretty odd but we probably could," she said before pulling him in for another soft kiss. "And I loved it...it is quite unlike anything I would have envisioned in my future, but then our future does seem to be not as we expected."

And Santana chose this moment to start to stir awake. Shifting in Rachel's arms, she opened her eyes, squinting up at her as she tried to process where she was. At first she was convinced that she was still dreaming, because there was no possible way she was being held by Rachel, who was being held by Puck. And what was really not at all a possibility was that Rachel was KISSING Puck. This was not happening.

But it looked like it was. And when Puck pulled back from Rachel, smiling down at her, he seemed to think this was normal.

Either he was still plastered or Santana had somehow been infected by him to get drunk too.

"Hey, 'Tana," he said easily. "We're gonna threesome date. It's decided."

And as Santana's eyes grew huge, entirely taken aback, he leaned in to kiss her lips a little sloppily, still smiling. "So yep, morning."

When she noticed Santana was awake again, Rachel bit her lip nervously and smiled down at her.

"Morning sleepy head...apparently he's made a decision for us and we have to go with it," she said as she rested her head back on his shoulder.

Santana's eyes shift between the two of them, still confused. She has pretty much decided that this is a joke. As she comes to this conclusion, her heart squeezes with hurt that she quickly covers with anger, and she tries to pull away from Rachel.

"This isn't fucking funny. You think it's funny to laugh at me? You think it's ok to make up jokes about me when I'm sleeping, gang up on me? Puck, you didn't think everything was so damn funny last night when you were pouring drinks down your throat and bawling all over us, and Rachel, you didn't think it was so damn funny when you were declaring your great unrequited love for me. I didn't laugh at you, why the hell do you think it's funny to laugh at me? Who says I want either of you?"

When Santana started getting angry Rachel slipped into protective mode.

"Santana, no. Stop," she said firmly as she looked at her. "This isn't some joke, I have no clue what the hell is going on but I know that I feel something for both you and Puck and it's probably messed up or strange or whatever but I don't care anymore. I don't care what anyone else thinks outside of the two of you," she said softly, and for the first time her voice cracked, her eyes shining with vulnerability. "I know you feel the same. You don't have to say it right now...but don't deny it either."

Santana sucks in her breath, then lets it out in a loud rush, staring at Rachel. Her eyes flit to Puck, who is now looking at her equally seriously, and she swallows hard, now confused. She looks in between them, catching her lower lip between her teeth.

"Rachel…"

She can't think of anything else to say. She doesn't know what to do, what she wants.

Rachel reached a hand out to cup her cheek, smoothing her thumb along her cheekbone.

"It's okay."

Santana lets Rachel touch her, swallowing again. Her eyes shift to Puck, who knows better than to touch her now, even hungover. Then her eyes close, and she closely reaches up, entwining her fingers with Rachel's. She doesn't speak, she simply holds her hand.


	11. Chapter 11

Santana knows she loves Puck. There isn't really a question about that, nor is there much concern for it in her mind. He's good looking, he makes her feel good, and she knows now, if she hadn't before everything that had happened lately, that he cares about her, maybe even that he loves her. She knows he would protect her and comfort her as soon as he knew she needed it, that he would drop what he was doing to help her. He's been much kinder to her than she had originally thought Puck capable of, and so loving him makes sense. Loving him is right.

It's okay to love Rachel too, she knows. After all, they had survived something horrific together. Rachel too was kind to her and comforting, and Rachel made her feel useful and needed, in that she could give her the same caring that Rachel gave her. It was okay to want to be with her and to feel better in her presence. That was sort of normal, if weird.

What wasn't okay was that Santana loved her in the same way she loved Puck…maybe even a little bit more. Not as a friend, or even a best friend. Not as a fellow survivor or a kind soul in the world. Santana loved Rachel as…something more…and that was what she couldn't wrap her thoughts around.

For days she struggled with this realization, alternating between withdrawing from Rachel, in an effort to stave off her own knowledge, and desperately texting or calling her, needing confirmation from Rachel that the girl was still there, close and willing to come to her if she needed. For days she tried to wrap her head around how it was even possible to love too people in the same way, two people with a desperation that was beyond anything Santana had ever felt before in her life. And then came the weary, almost determined thoughts one night, after Santana had awakened alone from another nightmare that left her shaking, sobbing, and sweating with terror and panicky desire for another person near.

Sure, this was strange and probably pretty fucked up, that she felt this way, that she needed this. But it was also the truth. She couldn't shove it down, she couldn't make it go away, and it certainly wasn't leaving on its own. She loved them both, she wanted and needed them both…so why not say to hell with it and give herself what she wanted, especially if they both wanted the same?

It was three am, but not too late for her to dial Rachel's number. Somehow she was sure the girl would forgive her.

Rachel had her own struggles to deal with when it came to attraction, desire and the pull that she felt towards both Santana and Puck. In her mind it wasn't right and she had struggled for around a week to truly process everything that was going on in her head. She wasn't sleeping properly, wasn't eating, she wasn't even really talking. She was just going through her day to day life to the best of her auto pilot abilities. She couldn't even really tell herself that she was happy because without Santana and without Puck she wasn't, she was empty and alone and stuck in a world where she couldn't close her eyes without seeing the images of dead bodies splashed out before her. It was all too much and even though it had been a while there simply wasn't enough time to erase the damage that had been done.

That night she had been laying in her bed staring up at the roof and wondering if she would ever find the strength to move on or get on with her life and get out of Lima and out to New York. Maybe it wouldn't happen but maybe on the off chance it would. She hadn't realized the time at all, all she noticed was her phone buzzing beside her on the bed and without giving it much thought she answered it with a weak and somewhat strained voice.

"Hello?"

She hadn't seen Santana's name on the screen nor had she seen the time.

Santana swallowed hard at the sound of Rachel's voice, trying to force down the nerves swimming in her stomach and choking up her throat. She cleared her throat, taking another deep breath before responding.

"Rachel, it's me. Santana. I know it's late and everything, I'm sorry if I woke you up…"

Hearing Santana's voice, Rachel smiled a little, releasing a breath.

"I was already awake."

Rolling onto her side, she curled up in a ball.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah…" Santana cleared her throat, trying again. She too curled up in bed, clutching the phone to her face as though it were Rachel's hand, before speaking again in a rush. "I love you."

Rachel's breath hitched in her throat. She swallowed again, then spoke, her voice dry.

"I love you too."

Santana sucked in her breath, her lips twitching into a smile, and she swallowed, giving a faint laugh in response. She wouldn't have thought that hearing this would have made her feel so happy, so relieved, nor that she could be the first to say it.

"Say it again."

Rachel laughed softly and smiled a little more as she listened to Santana.

"I love you, Santana Lopez," she said confidently, a little louder. "I love you."

Smiling widely, Santana cradled the phone to her ear like it was Rachel's hand. She was aware of tears in her eyes but ignored them as she spoke to her softly. "I want to see you."

She knew it was 3 am, but this posed little obstacle to her.

Rachel smiled softly as Santana spoke and carefully got up from her bed.

"I'll come to you."

Still holding the phone, Rachel busied herself grabbing a cardigan, her shoes, and her keys. She didn't care how she looked; she just needed to be with Santana.

Santana knows herself how bad she looks. Her hair is tangled and slightly oily, her clothes are rumpled and mismatched, and her eyes are red. But she doesn't care. She's going to see Rachel, in this whole new context and understanding, and she can't wait.

Rachel ended up hanging up after saying she'd be there soon and raced downstairs to jump in her car. It took her all of ten minutes to arrive at the Lopez household and she sent a text to Santana and tell her that she was waiting downstairs for her.

The minute Santana got the text she jumped up, almost running downstairs to meet Rachel. She didn't care if she woke everyone up in the house as long as she got to Rachel as fast as possible. Seeing her standing in the living room, she came forward immediately, wrapping herself around her tightly and hugging her hard, then pulled back just enough to kiss her.

Rachel hugged Santana as tightly as possible and smiled a little as she saw her. Before too long they were kissing and she kissed Santana with everything that she had to give her, all the suppressed and repressed emotions she had been harboring spilling out from her lips and into her embrace.

"I love you," she whispered against her lips, not wanting to hold back from admitting it anymore.

Santana smiled into her lips, scarcely believing this moment. Squeezing Rachel hard, she feels her eyes tear up and blinks them back, whispering back.

"I love you too. God I love you."

Burying her face against Rachel's neck, she takes a breath, then pulls back.

"Rachel….while I was thinking of all this I barely thought of the other stuff." Meaning the shooting.

Rachel held onto Santana so tightly that she thought might be hurting her.

"I love you so much," she whispered as tears fell her cheeks. Rubbing her back gently, she rocked them both slowly.

"We need to keep it this way," she said softly in response to Santana. If being with each other, thinking of each other, working out their feelings meant they didn't think of the shooting, then that was good. She didn't want Santana thinking about the shooting anymore.

Rachel's grip was a little hard, but Santana barely noticed. She held Rachel close, keeping herself as tightly against her as she could, and let herself be rocked, gripping a fistful of her hair. She stays close to her, gradually breathing more evenly, until she is relaxed. Puck crosses her mind then, and she realizes that to have him here too, his arms wrapped around them both, would only make this moment more perfect.

Rachel didn't care about anything else in that moment as Santana's hand gripped her hair. Except one thing.

"Should we call him?" she asked. Puck there would really complete the moment for them, and although Santana hadn't mentioned him, Rachel's own thoughts had turned his way.

Santana knew, of course, what she was thinking. Smiling, she nodded, her face rested in the crook of Rachel's neck.

"Yeah. Bring the big lug over."

"You've got it, beautiful."

Rachel pulled her phone out, dialing Puck's number. She had a feeling that he would be there in a heartbeat but it still made her nervous.

Puck had been lying awake, though it was now almost four am, restless and unable to sleep. When his phone rang he almost dived for it, fumbling to bring it to his ear.

"Hello?"

Santana pressed close to Rachel, smiling when she hears his voice.

"Hi handsome. You need to get to Santana's place because we miss you and want you here," Rachel said before hanging up with a smirk forming on her lips.

"Dude, don't gotta ask twice," Puck said immediately before hanging up.

Santana grinned, kissing Rachel again as she waited.

"When did I decide you're both cute and what does this say about me?"

Rachel kissed Santana back and smiled as they parted.

"It says you were destined to be stuck with us in some way," she laughed and pulled her in a little closer so their bodies were pressed tightly against one another's.

"Destiny…weird," Santana shrugs, but doesn't argue.

She rocks Rachel back and forth with her slightly, enjoying being so close, and when Puck shows up less than ten minutes later, she breaks loose one arm to draw him in. As Puck enfolds them both, Santana exhales, now thoroughly content. This was exactly right.

Rachel and Puck were so different, yet together, they made her feel whole, as though she had had both of them as missing pieces of herself without ever knowing. They made her happy, they made her feel strong and safe, and strange as it might be, she no longer cared what it meant or who knew.

She couldn't say that she didn't have nightmares sometimes or moments of anxiety or fear, but she also couldn't say that she was paralyzed with horror, unable to get through the day without clinging to one or both of them. It was becoming possible to sit through a class, even if she didn't pay much attention. It was possible to start homework, if not complete it, and in Glee, although she hadn't yet sung for herself, she was actually paying attention to what others sung. She could picture her life, now, more than in the present moment, and always in her thoughts, Puck and Rachel were there too, by her side. Maybe not the way things had been...but was that necessarily bad?

Together, they will face the future and whatever it might bring, having each other's backs and more importantly, each other's hearts. There would never be a better guarantee or a better promise than that, no matter what the future held in store.

end


End file.
